NIGELLA Lawson, aged 66, has joined The Great British Bake Off in the hope it will end her status as the nation’s favourite MILF.
The chef has been the thinking gourmet’s truffle-buttered crumpet for 26 years now and hopes that by taking a matronly role previously held by pensioners Mary Berry and Prue Leith she will finally be able to escape the nation’s wank banks.
She said: “There comes a time. And for me, it’s when you’re two decades past the menopause and have a free bus pass.
“Thank you so much, men of Britain, for objectifying me for all those years. It’s been such a boon to my cooking career that I can’t wear a V-neck cardigan without being freeze-framed for your onanistic pleasure.
“But, like Helen Mirren before me, I wish to exit my role. To become a nice older lady, well-preserved perhaps, yet not facing a storm of virtual catcalling every time I dare taste a little icing. Frankly it gets wearisome.
“I have, therefore, joined Bake Off to subsume my sexuality in a position more associated with the twinkle-eyed and kindly and to pass the burden of innuendo along to others, at long last.”
Viewer Julian Cook said: “Please, Nigella. I’m not ready to let go. I’ll do anything. I’ll make a recipe.”
