Nintendo reveals Mario now has bullshit aspirational office job

NINTENDO has shocked fans by revealing that Mario is no longer a plumber but has some bullshit office job doing marketing.

The console giant confirmed that Mario quit plumbing years ago because it is no longer considered cool to be a tradesman. He now has a comfortable desk job in a faceless corporation and wears smart casual clothing instead of overalls.

A Nintendo spokesman said: “When we created Mario the world was a more innocent place, and people respected tradesmen rather than just saying things on social media about how thick they are.

“So rather than fixing toilets and doing grouting, Mario now works in an office, designing promotional mugs for a soft drinks company with a shady human rights record.

“He gets paid more money and drives around in a little silver Audio rather than a kart, which he couldn’t even legally take on the motorway.

“Whether he’s happier or not we couldn’t say, we don’t really go that deep in video games.”

The spokesman added that Mario’s brother Luigi is still a plumber, but the pair haven’t really spoken since 2006 because of something that happened at Bowser’s wedding.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg the new Boaty McBoatface

JACOB Rees-Mogg is favourite to be the new Tory leader because Britain votes for whatever is funny, it has confirmed. 

Rees-Mogg, famous as the World’s Fair’s ‘Clockwork Man’, is eight points ahead of his nearest rival thanks to the UK’s newfound joy in fucking shit up for laughs.

Conservative supporter Denys Finch Hatton said: “I just couldn’t resist it.

“Imagine him in his bowler hat at the European Parliament like some dick out of Mary Poppins, lecturing them on fair play while using cricket metaphors.

“I voted for Boaty McBoatface because it was funny that they couldn’t stop me, I voted leave for the same reason and it keeps getting better. That last election was absolutely hilarious.

“Rees-Mogg would give us a uproarious election campaign, a side-splitting Queen’s Speech and shortly afterwards the farcical complete collapse of the Conservative party, like that Only Fools and Horses with the chandelier.

“Rees-Mogg for prime minister! This is even funnier than when I backed Leadsom.”

Labour supporter Stephen Malley said: “To be fair it’s why we chose Corbyn, and that has been absolutely piss-funny.”