Nobody has known who's number one in the charts for two decades

NOT a single member of the public has known who is number one in the charts for two decades, it has emerged.

Thanks to streaming services and YouTube, nobody can remember the most popular single of the week if it was released any time in the last 20 years.

Music listener Nikki Hollis said: “Back in the day I used to be glued to the radio in anticipation as they counted down the top ten. Now I’m not even sure if the charts are still a thing or if they died out like Woolworths.

“The last number one I remember is Crazy Frog, and that’s only because it beat Coldplay to the top spot. It was hilarious because Chris Martin tried really hard to make a good song but still couldn’t manage it.”

Audiophile Joshua Gardner said: “Taylor Swift must have had a number one, but I’m f**ked if I know what it’s called or what it sounds like. By the time she came along it had ceased to be relevant.

“The days of wondering if Frankie Goes to Hollywood were still at number one seem really ancient now, like going to the shops on a horse or not having the internet.

“Still, society has evolved past radio stations telling us what to listen to based on what’s popular. Now we have algorithms which exploit everything they know about us to make money. It’s much better.”

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Tory MP 'not yet ready' to put down loveable bouncy Labrador that shits everywhere

A CONSERVATIVE MP has admitted he is delaying the inevitable trip to have Boris, his much-loved golden Labrador that shits everywhere, put down.

Tom Booker, member for Thurrock, conceded that his beloved pet is past its best, may be deaf, no longer obeys behavioural rules, destroys things and is terminally incontinent, but cannot help but remember the good times.

He said: “He’s barely able to function now. He makes a terrible mess everywhere he goes. But I can’t help it. I still look at him and see the companion who promised so much.

“He was so lively and jaunty and fun, even people who hated dogs liked him. Everywhere you took him he’d win people round. Even when he got caught being naughty, they’d just say ‘Oh, Boris’.

“But now, since he’s developed this problem of catastrophically shitting himself then dragging his arse over all the carpets in a misguided attempt to clean it up, he’s a liability. I know he’s got no future. But I look into those bewildered eyes and can’t do it.

“I know he’s got to go. I know he has. I know he’s in pain, and it’s not fair to let him suffer like this, and it’s for his own good. But I’m not ready yet.”

He added: “Come here Boris. Come here boy. Who’s a good Boris? Is it – f**king hell, he’s f**king bitten me. Call the vet.”