Nobody recognisable at The Hobbit premiere

“Who the fuck’s that?” said thousands of fans yesterday at the premiere of Peter Jackson’s new film.

As the cast of the fantasy epic arrived on the red carpet, everyone realised they were completely inconspicuous without make-up or special effects.

Excited fan Tom Logan said: “Look! It’s the guy who does Gollum.

“Or is he a dwarf? Maybe he’s a troll. Wow its that elf prince over there…

“Oh…no it’s not actually.”


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After being married for 50 years, it's time to experiment with legal highs

Dear Holly,

Having been married for nearly 50 years, with three grown-up children and seven adorable grandchildren, I have decided that it is time to let my hair down and experiment with some legal highs. However, there are so many to choose from it’s hard to know where to start. I hear that a decent hit of Cillit Bang gives you a mental head rush and makes you think you’re an octopus for thirty seconds, but Dolly from bridge club says I should start off on something less intense, like Baby Bio. Any recommendations?



Dear Enid,

Back in the cold war days when it was law for everyone to wear a communist uniform called a ‘shell suit’, people were so bored of watching repeats of Allo Allo of an evening that they started crying out for chemical stimulation to cheer them up. A young entrepreneur and hedonist called Zammo Maguire answered their calls for help by inventing what we now know as drugs. However, Zammo got carried away and took too many of the drugs and consequently ended up on the methadone programme with a number one pop song. His message to young kids of the time was clear: Just Say No. As a result of this, people started taking more and more drugs than ever before, and having loads of fun in the process. Unfortunately, you can’t have fun in this world unless you pay the government loads of tax to do so, which is why drugs are now banned, and people are having to resort to household substances for their recreational side effects. My advice to you is drink seven pints of Lucozade and then try to get a whole tube of fruit gums in your mouth at once and you’ll feel like you’re floating on air.

Hope that helps!