Nuts relaunched as feminist magazine

LADS’ mag Nuts is being relaunched for feminist readers.

The magazine will use base humour and big colourful pictures to address issues such as internet misogyny, workplace gender politics and attitudes to breastfeeding.

Editor Emma Bradford said: “It’s still Nuts, but instead of glamour models and the new Porsche Boxster there’ll be feminism and loads of shit jokes about men.

“Our first photo spread will feature real women aged 18 to 80 of all body shapes and sizes being served cocktails by Alan Rickman in his pants.

“We’ve also adapted our other articles, so there’ll be a lot of lists like ‘Top 10 patriarchal plonkers’ and ‘The top 50 all-time greatest feminist action movies’, if we can think of 49 more besides Aliens.

“We’ll also be featuring sexists who’ve suffered bizarre injuries. It just wouldn’t be Nuts without bizarre injuries.”

Bradford said the magazine would still encourage women to send in pictures of themselves, but only in non-demeaning poses, such as chairing a boardroom meeting.

23-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I read the new Nuts but I found it a bit difficult to masturbate over an article by Zoe Williams about the shameful lack of childcare facilities in the UK.

“Fortunately there was a picture of Jenni Murray in a big scarf on the cover.”

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Ed Miliband to dress like Bootsy Collins

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is to embrace his weird side by dressing like a member of 70s collective Funkadelic.

Miliband’s new look of vinyl boots, wraparound shades, body paint and a light-up codpiece will emphasise that he is a complete and total freak.

Party chair Harriet Harman said: “Ed’s attempt to masquerade as a normal person has failed pitifully, so he’s going the full Bootsy.

“Voters will think yes he’s strange, yes he’s probably a visitor from another world, but maybe an injection of intergalactic funk is exactly what our economy needs.”

Miliband, wearing a gold cowboy hat and carrying the Staff of Ra, will tell Andrew Neil on Sunday Politics that he built the pyramids, communes with the fish-gods of Sirius, and will reduce the deficit with a windfall tax on hedge fund profits.

Voter reaction has been positive. Wayne Hayes of Stockton-on-Tees said: “The 70s afro-futurist pimp look has been underused in British politics, apart from the SDP.

“Instead of debating corporate tax avoidance, Ed will simply cut loose with a wild otherworldly guitar solo, funk the roof off parliament and beam up to his mothership.

“Finally, a politician we can all believe in.”