AN American football star is in an odd legal wrangle over his ex-wife claiming his penis was too big. But what man hasn’t wondered if he’s mightily endowed? Take our test and find out.
What is the actual size of your penis?
A) Over eight inches and weirdly thick like two cans of Coke.
B) A tiny bit over five inches, but you cling pathetically to the idea that it’s bigger than average despite thousands of researchers proving otherwise with scientific instruments.
Has a partner ever complained about sex being painful for her?
A) Yes, women have complained about discomfort and it bumping their cervix.
B) Only in the metaphorical sense when you tried to talk dirty and freaked her out by suddenly sounding like a sleazy 1970s porn star.
Are you unable to wear Speedo-style swimming trunks?
A) Yes. There is a distinctly hostile atmosphere at family swim sessions.
B) Yes. Although this is due to your horrible spindly legs sticking out from your fat tummy like the alien singer in Return of the Jedi, so loose-fitting swim shorts look slightly less horrible.
Do women comment on your penis size?
A) Yes, they’re always surprised.
B) Weirdly, every woman you’ve slept with has immediately told you size isn’t important to them. Which seems like a waste when you’ve got such a big penis.
Do you send ‘dick pics’ on dating apps because of its remarkable size?
A) No. You think that sends out the wrong message.
B) You bet! The admins have told you to stop doing it, because it makes all the other men look inadequate. At least you think that’s the reason.
Has your penis ever resulted in a woman refusing to have sex with you?
A) Yes, one flatly refused to even attempt intercourse.
B) The vast majority of women refuse to have sex with you, but that’s okay – you’re just flattered they like you as a friend. Although you had assumed friends hang out together sometimes. Apparently not.
Do you have difficulty finding condoms that fit?
A) No. It’s easy to get XL condoms, and normal ones can stretch substantially safely.
B) Yes, it’s a real problem for you. And that is definitely not a feeble ploy to get out of wearing a condom that won’t work unless you’ve pulled the densest woman in Britain.
ANSWERS
Mostly As. Sadly your penis is too big and this often makes it difficult for you to have sex. Which is a delicious irony small-penised men think is excellent and hilarious. Hahahahaha, Long Dong LOSER!
Mostly Bs. What a relief – you do not have a big penis. Although you still hanker after a massive one which you can’t bring up in conversation with women without sounding like a pervert anyway.
