Original Ghostbusters film was 'sacred work of art made by geniuses'

UPDATING the original Ghostbusters film is as disrespectful as drawing a picture of a knob on the Mona Lisa, it has been confirmed.

As a rebooted version of the 1984 film is released in the UK, fans of the original are expressing their dismay that the reputation of such a hallowed cinematic text will be forever tarnished.

Ghostbusters devotee Nathan Muir said: “The original is truly a work of incomparable beauty and craftsmanship, so any attempt to remake it is an act of cultural vandalism.

“It’s basically the Sistine Chapel of films, except even Michelangelo wouldn’t have had the creative genius to come up with the bit where they cross the streams and forever close the door to Gozer’s dimension.

“Can you imagine Caravaggio creating the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, or Keats coming up with the line ‘I ain’t afraid of no ghosts’?”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The people who think it’s amazing are missing the part of their brain which regulates critical faculties. They’re the same ones who think Theresa May will make a decent prime minister.”

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Report to your local registration centre immediately, warns May

THERESA May has warned all citizens that late registration will not be tolerated.

As the walls of 10 Downing Street were painted black ahead of her arrival on Wednesday, the new prime minister stressed that her records would be up to date or there would be consequences.

May said: “It begins.”

The National Database of Good Citizens is expected to be the world’s largest data capture exercise, as the entire country ensures that every detail about their life, including their innermost hopes and fears, is logged by the government.

Citizen Registration Centres have been set up in police stations, libraries and newly-built concrete huts with a single steel door and no windows across the country to ensure maximum compliance.

People will also be able to automatically register their whereabouts via Twitter, Facebook and May’s most recent invention, Pokemon Go.

May said: “I promise you a better Britain and if it isn’t, I shall know precisely which of you are to blame.”