Othello is black: six carefully hidden woke messages in Shakespeare plays

THINK you love The Bard? You won’t when you find out he’s been hiding woke ideology in his plays for centuries. Right-wing historian Denys Finch Hatton explains: 

Othello is black

When seeing this play, you presumed that casting a non-white lead was just another idiocy of our tokenistic, PC-gone-mad culture. But no, Shakespeare actually wrote it for a black man. Insane to think a guy with no flushing toilets cared about buzzwords like ‘representation’.

He’s always dressing women as men

Surprise, surprise, Shakespeare tried to pick up woke points by suggesting in Twelfth Night that a female character could dress up in a man’s clothing and the presumably pansexual Olivia would fall for her. So much for traditional values.

Hamlet is such a snowflake

Thought Hamlet was tough because he’s holding a skull? No way. Unable to get over his dad having been murdered, the whole play’s him feeling upset and needing his mental health needs met while everyone else tries to get on with ruling the kingdom. Man up, you spoilt Prince. You’re just like Harry.

He’s pro-Europe

Almost all of his plays are set in somewhere like Italy, Greece, Denmark or Scotland. Only the boring, historical ones take place in England, and even they besmirch the names of fine kings like Richard the Third. The Merchant of Skegness would have been better.

He encourages teenagers not to obey their parents

Sounds like someone had a spoilt millennial in their ear when they were writing Romeo & Juliet. At least the two of them learn their lesson in the end: parental approval of romantic partners is vital.

He claims a woman can love a donkey

The natural conclusion of all the cross-dressing and men falling in love with men happens in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, where Titania gets off with a donkey. Not on my watch, Shakey.

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The six bollocks superhero movies that will kill the genre

SUPERHERO movies have hit such a low that next week’s is Shang-Chi from 70s comic Master of Kung-Fu. And they’ll only get worse: 

Man-Thing

A big plant that shambles around in the Florida Everglades, has a carrot for a nose, never says anything, attacks bad guys then wanders off. Was once in a comic called Giant Sized Man-Thing, which is funny. Will star in a Disney+ series which critics will treat like f**king Tolstoy.

Penguin

Joker worked, so the next dark art-house movie about a Batman villain will focus on Oswald Cobblepot, a diminutive squawking man with an umbrella gun whose best friend is a penguin he stole from Gotham Zoo. Gritty cinematography, moody soundtrack, scenes where he chokes down fish whole on the subway, total shit.

Squirrel Girl

Created by the artist behind Spider-Man, this character has buck teeth, a big furry tail and a squirrel pal called Monkey Joe. Can command squirrels to attack you in their hundreds which is actually terrifying. Positioned as breakout star of Phase V of the Marvel Cinematic Universe because they’ve got no-one else left.

Elongated Man

DC movies somehow managed to scrape the barrel even when pitting Batman against Superman and it only gets worse. This stretchy f**ker not only loops around like Mr Tickle left on a radiator overnight, he’s also a crappy detective. His movie will be aimed at children whose nightmares he will haunt.

Alpha Flight

In absolute desperation Marvel greenlights a movie about a Canadian superteam that defends the home of maple syrup and ice hockey against international indifference. Finally makes even the most complacent popcorn-munching morons say ‘Wait, what is this shit?’

Bananaman

You can’t destroy an entire genre of movies without a late British entry that’s a critically reviled box-office disaster. Will ruin the career of star Kit Harrington, cause director Richard Curtis to retire and will render superhero films so toxic there’s not another this century. Thank f**king God.