Panto season 'to be least enjoyable yet'

THIS year’s pantomimes will somehow have even less entertainment value than previous offerings, producers have promised.

The annual festive ritual of seemingly interminable musical plays with transvestism is about to recommence, although no one is entirely sure why.

Tom Logan, director of the Skegness Pensionerdrome where ‘Henry from Neighbours’ will be appearing as a puss’s boot in Puss in Boots said: “Every year we strive to make our productions less enjoyable and this year we feel we’ve outdone ourselves.

“We’ve got Jim Bowen playing a benevolent clock, for goodness sake. Also there’s two mice singing a song about friendship and it’s two days’ long.”

He added: “In pantoland the challenge is to keep lowering your game, especially as rival productions are stepping up the pressure by getting shitter every year.

“Come along, bring the whole family, they’ll all agree that it was a shit night out.”

Pantomime enthusiast Emma Bradford said: “If you’re feeling down, panto will lift you up.

“It will reassure you that your life couldn’t possibly be as depressing as the performers’, who were perhaps once moderately successful actors with their own TV murder series until a booze-related divorce.

“Now they spend their evenings being hit with a broom by a local newsreader dressed as a cake while children throw things covered in saliva at them.”

Parent Tom Logan said: “Actually kids love panto. Not as much as they love playing Call of Duty, but quite a lot.”



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Murdoch tears hole in the fabric of honesty

JAMES Murdoch has caused the very nature of veracity to collapse in on itself after giving evidence to MPs.

Facts are now pouring into a swirling ‘bullshit hole’ located under Murdoch’s seat in Westminster, only to be fired back out at the speed of bollocks as greasily-manipulated half-truths.

Security guards have surrounded the vortex, erecting a stabilising barrier of accurate, pedestrian information in the form of Haynes car maintenance manuals and copies of the Wisden cricketing almanac.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “To give you some idea of the bullshit hole’s devastating power, I threw in a copy of the report into the Columbine massacre and it spat out a Glee DVD.

“When I shouted ‘Good god, did you see that?’ a voice from the hole replied, ‘See what? I didn’t do anything’. ”

“It is an enormous anomaly, measuring over 6.8 on the ‘Chinny-Reckon’ scale.”

Enquiry organisers must now decide whether to allow Murdoch to give further evidence and risk the entire building becoming engulfed, or to continue proceedings in a lead-lined box suspended over the middle of the Atlantic.

Brubaker said: “Environmentalists have groused about marine life becoming contaminated with bollocks but, unlike humans, a blue whale would never tell a pod of dolphins that it has no knowledge about the recent disappearance of three tons of krill.”

He added: “We think that the only way to completely close the bullshit hole is to fire something even more mendacious at it. We’re hoping that Heather Mills will make the ultimate sacrifice.

“It’s either that or encase the hole in an ill-fitting suit and try to find it a safe seat in Buckinghamshire.”