Panto Stars Demand Right To Swear

BRITAIN'S favourite pantomime stars are demanding the right to litter their performances with profanity and smut.


The move follows criticism of Lucy Pankhurst, the 13 year-old star of Aladdin at Dorking Community Theatre in Surrey, who shocked her audience by replying: "Oh no he fucking isn't, you bunch of shits".

The teenage prodigy was also accused of ruining the cermonial switch-on of the town's Christmas lights when she referred to the Mayor and his wife as a 'pair of tubby bastards'.

But panto stalwarts have leapt to her defence, insisting it is time to add a new dimension to the festive shows.

Barbara Windsor, who as played every character in pantomime, said: "That little girl spoke for all of us when she hurled spiteful, unprovoked abuse at two dedicated public servants."

She added: "Last year the children at my pantomime were bored with the same old jokes. I have a very strong sense when it comes to audiences, and I think they wanted me to swear.

"Sure enough, when I was signing autographs at the stage door, a darling little six year-old boy looked up at me with sadness in his eyes and said 'Auntie Barbara, why won't they let you say pissflaps?'"

The campaign is demanding key script changes in time for the 2007 season including, 'fuck me, it's midnight already' and 'wish harder, motherfuckers'.

Meanwhile in Macclesfield, despite strenuous protests from councillors, the cast and crew of Jack and the Beanstalk have changed the name of the show to Beans is it? You Fucking Twat.