CERTAIN songs might be quite good if they, you know, ended. Here are some that life is too short to listen to in full.
Paranoid Android, Radiohead
After a thrilling freak-out, Radiohead’s answer to Bohemian Rhapsody refuses to lie down and die. Mournful choral voices reflect the listener’s mood as the song limps on, while Thom Yorke’s seemingly random lyrics pile up into a compost heap of nonsense. It briefly comes back to life at the end, but it’s too little, too late. Thom’s brave exploration of the dark side of the human psyche is in vain because you’ve wandered off to make a sandwich.
Station To Station, David Bowie
Bowie was taking so many drugs in 1976 he can’t even remember recording this, which explains the complete lack of artistic judgement. A two-note piano figure drags on for about three days before the track eventually morphs into a coked-up version of the Grandstand theme. Fun for a few minutes, but it’s hardly Kooks.
Can’t You Hear Me Knocking, The Rolling Stones
The Stones were at their riff-tastic best in 1971, with Keith Richards perfecting the art of playing the guitar with one finger. But boy does this one go off the rails. From rock‘n’roll choon to aimless noodling jam, this ends up being the most pointless five minutes of Mick Jagger’s career, and he was in the movie Freejack.
D’You Know What I Mean?, Oasis
Despite abbreviating the word ‘Do’, Noel Gallagher has never been the model of efficiency. All the songs on Be Here Now are twice as long as they should be, but its opening track is possibly the worst offender: padded out to interminable length with aeroplane sound effects, howling feedback, bleeps of Morse code and, worst of all, a Gallagher guitar solo. Although the lyrics do include a pointless reference to ‘the fool on the hill’ so Noel saved himself a few minutes writing those pesky original lyrics.
Knights of Cydonia, Muse
A bank of guitar FX pedals is no substitute for interesting music. Knights of Cydonia is what the Shadows would have sounded like if the Electro-Harmonix Microsynth had been invented in 1959. As part of a hit album, the song’s worst crime was helping to extend Muse’s career, which was already way too long in 2006.
I Want You (She’s So Heavy), The Beatles
There’s nothing wrong with a doom-laden arpeggio per se, but playing them on a loop for six minutes while they slowly disintegrate into a hiss of white noise was hardly the Fab Four’s finest moment. At least they had the decency to put it at the end of Abbey Road’s A-side so listeners could simply lift the needle and flip over for some decent tunes.
