Piercing blue eyes, and other romance cliches that sound sexy, but aren't

ROMANCE novels contain descriptions that are good on the page but would be horrifying in real life. Here are six descriptors you don’t want to encounter:

Piercing blue eyes

‘Piercing’ eyes? What are they, one of the Midwich Cuckoos?  Unless it’s Paul Hollywood staring over a pie crust, no-one wants to gaze into a set of peepers that look like they can see inside your brain and read your thoughts.

Plump, ruby lips

Once you’ve got past the terrifying gaze of your lover, it’s time to smooch them. Never mind that they seem to be having a severe allergic reaction to the blood-red lipstick they’re wearing and they need to be quickly rushed to a hospital. You’re in love!

Heaving bosoms

If your breasts are causing you to experience this much physical exertion, it’s time to invest in a better bra, love. ‘Heaving’ just brings to mind some old bloke trying to pick up a bale of hay or throw an oil drum over a wall.

Rock-hard abs

First, let’s imagine it makes perfect sense that some 17th-century Duke would have the sculpted physique of a bodybuilder. Now, let’s pretend he’d have any time left over from the constant working out necessary to maintain them to romance you. He would be insanely boring and you’d be stuck making his olde worlde protein shakes.

Alabaster skin

Why would you want to get down and dirty with someone who has all the pigmentation of a corpse? You’d be constantly worrying they were suffering from low iron and needed a pint of Guinness and a steak, rather than a shag. Matched with the rock-hard abs you’re essentially screwing a statue.

Throbbing manhood

What else do you describe as throbbing? Maybe a headache or a toe you’ve just banged against table leg. Anyway, it all sounds a bit too painful for him to do any ravishing right now, and he should sit down quietly and read a book instead.

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Be prepared to destroy your entire relationship for a single night - how to have a threesome

WANT to turn straightforward sex into a logistical nightmare? Here’s how to have an unforgettably unsatisfying night.

Lay the groundwork ten years in advance

This is a massive ask of your partner, so you should plant the seeds of a multi-person love-in early. Casually mention it on your first date and then at every available opportunity after that until they finally cave and agree, just to shut you up.

Be prepared to destroy your entire relationship for a single night

There are some important calculations you must do before embarking on this ultimately foolish group sex experience. Consider how long you’ve been together. Divide it by 100. Now multiply that by 0. That’s how long your relationship will last after you wake up the next morning.

Practice multi-tasking

If you’re not one of those people who can rub their tummy and pat their head at the same time, a threesome is not for you. You do realise there’ll be two other people there, right? You need to do twice the amount of work and will receive twice the amount of disappointed looks.

Choose someone you’ll never see again

Running into your former squeeze or your partner’s ex is bad. But bumping into someone who’s witnessed both of you at your most embarrassing and then watched you weeping silently as you put your socks on the next day is worse. Don’t pick a colleague or your next door neighbour, in other words.

Be ready to leave unsatisfied

The chances of you both managing to do this and having a good time while you’re doing it are low. Think about your orgasm success rate when it’s just the two of you, and add the multiple variables contributed by a third party. Now consider if it’s worth the logistical hassle, not to mention the total breakdown of your previously pleasant relationship.