Anonymous caller books Woking Pizza Express for a party

AN anonymous caller has reserved every table in Woking Pizza Express for a celebratory slap-up meal.

The pizza restaurant received the booking from a withheld number asking for the whole restaurant to be closed to accommodate a large family, ranging in age from three weeks to 95 years.

Staff member Nikki Hollis said: “The caller sounded like they were putting on an accent to disguise their voice but I could tell they were very happy. They must have just received some really good news. Honestly, they sounded like they were sweating with relief.

“I tried to let them know that reserving every table for a private function doesn’t come cheap, but they assured me that money was no problem and anyway, mummy was paying. Maybe they were someone rich and famous like a footballer.

“We don’t get much excitement in here, apart from when Prince Andrew tried to use us as an excuse to get out of some dodgy rumours, so I’m looking forward to seeing who it is.”

Supervisor Wayne Hayes said: “They asked for their ‘usual’ table, which they said they sat at the last time they visited in 2001 but unfortunately our records don’t go back that far.

“Still, if they’re saying it definitely happened, who am I to argue?”

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How turning 50 will sneak up on you like a bastard

ARE you worryingly close to the age of 50? Here’s how you’ll suddenly realise you’re really quite old.

Everyone has mysteriously got younger

You could always rely on your boss, famous people and politicians being older than you, the crusty old farts. Not any more. Rishi Sunak is 41, for f**k’s sake, and he’s the sort of square bastard who probably enjoys a ‘wild’ game of Pictionary.

You notice your libido is f**ked

More a problem for men, who will long for the time when they got an awkward, embarrassing erection on the bus at the slightest provocation, eg. a poster of the Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny.

Imminent total physical collapse

You were never exactly as fit as Daley Thompson (who is one of your outdated 1980s cultural references). But now kneeling down to clear out a kitchen cupboard is a punishing workout accompanied by a paranoid fear that you may never get up again.

You suddenly remember all your horribly naive ambitions

Cringe at unrealistic youthful ambitions like becoming the next Steven Spielberg with no film school experience. Then feel even worse as you realise you’ll probably never even get round to piss-easy things like visiting the Isle of Wight.

Homely things have taken over your life by stealth 

Your priorities used to be going out on the piss, advancing your career, getting a shag, and maybe clubbing and drugs. These days you get all the gratification you need from changing into your slippers and perusing your burgeoning collection of loose teas.

You realise you’re not even a proper 50-year-old

You haven’t even got the mundane perks of being 50 you once sneered at, like a mortgage, kids and an unnecessarily large car. You’re still renting a flat and your only ‘assets’ are an old Playstation and numerous pairs of too-tight jeans.