Pope Promises Live Witch-Burning

POPE Benedict XVI has promised his UK tour will feature the live on-stage incineration of those who consort with demons.

It's all about bums on priests.

Sales for the cleric’s spoken word stadium dates had been hovering slightly below the level of They Might Be Giants’ recent tour, prompting the last-minute addition of medieval-style burnings.

A spokesman for the Catholic Church said: “We wanted to update the show with some spectacular Vegas-style pyrotechnics yet remain faithful to the cultural heritage of Catholicism. This was just one of those ideas where the pieces of the jigsaw fitted perfectly.”

An assortment of pagans, homeopaths and people with dreamcatchers on their front porches will be weighed against a Bible before being declared guilty of malevolent sorcery and burned to a crisp.

The spokesman added: “The mob will be able to interact with the show by nominating witches from among themselves. This could be an old man with a herb garden, an overly assertive woman or anyone with a funny eye.

“As a spectacle it will knock Spirit of the Horse into a cocked hat.”

The Vatican has admitted that being more tolerant of paedophiles than homosexuals may have alienated the key 18-34 demographic of the Pontiff’s fan base.

Pope-lover Tom Logan said: “If by witches they mean people who work at Holland and Barrett then I’m on board.

“I bought some Echinacea recently and it did fuck all.”