Pratchett steamroller 'should do Jeffrey Archer's hard drive next'

THE steamroller that crushed Terry Pratchett’s hard drive should also do Jeffrey Archer’s, it has been claimed.

After the massive steam engine crushed the late Discworld author’s hard drive in accordance with his wishes, book fans suggested former Tory MP Archer’s computer could also be flattened even though he is still alive.

Wayne Hayes said: “Terry wanted all his works-in-progress destroyed, probably in case they might ever be published in a substandard form. Meanwhile Jeffrey Archer’s probably writing a book and it will definitely be shit.

“So let’s do Archer’s hard drive next, then maybe we could also do Dean Koontz and whoever does those books about Jane Austen fighting zombies.”

Meanwhile Jeffrey Archer confirmed that his latest shit book would probably be about some feuding upper class brothers and will be called To Soar Above or some vaguely similar-sounding thing.

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Man unconvincingly claims kids are best thing that's happened to him

A FATHER-OF-TWO is probably lying when he tells people having children is the best thing that has ever happened to him.

Office worker Tom Logan frequently describes fatherhood as incredibly fulfilling, but with the air of someone who has just been given a long prison sentence.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “He says he wouldn’t swap it for anything, which I find hard to believe when he’s holding down a full-time job while basically being a slave to two tiny bastards whose main interests are picky eating and screaming.

“I bet he’d swap it for the time in his 20s when he was going out with that hot Aussie girl and going to loads of raves. Because that definitely sounds better than wiping custard off a wall while feeling incredibly tired.”

Logan said: “When you’ve got kids you’re always learning interesting new things like how to navigate a car through busy traffic while being pestered with some bullshit about nursery.

“Still, it’s all worth it now that my mum and dad can drone on about being proud grandparents without actually helping except when they occasionally feel like it.”

Logan then stared at a snot-covered toy panda for 30 seconds, before trudging to the kitchen to do a massive load of washing.