Prostitution is a great way to find the right guy: Six films with a terrible message

DOES your favourite movie push a message that, actually, when you think about it, is deeply f**ked-up? Don’t follow these examples: 

Pretty Woman: meet your dream guy via streetwalking

Sunset Boulevard hooker Vivian meets a rich, handsome man who falls in love with her. Even more magically, he’s her first client and she hasn’t had to sleep with hundreds of fat, ugly, unhygienic perverts hassling her for vile sex acts. It’s just not a good way to meet men, though it is a good way of getting a drug addiction and an STD.

Die Hard: extreme violence will win your wife back

John McClane’s marriage is in trouble because he has a drink problem and isn’t around for his kids. At the end of the movie his wife presumably thinks ‘Still got a drink problem, still won’t have time for the kids, has now killed 10 people with no sign of remorse. In fact was cracking jokes. Yep, let’s give it another go.’

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: you’ll get your dream job by chance

At the end Wonka decides Charlie Bucket will inherit the factory. How did he prove his worth? By winning a lottery and only f**king around a bit with dangerous experimental confectionary technology you’re not meant to touch that’s mutilated four children that day. Amazing business skills, Charlie.

The Rise of Skywalker: it’s all about nepotism

In all Star Wars movies, you only get to use the Force if you’re of Skywalker or Palpatine lineage. A great message for kids: ‘You want to be a galactic aristocrat? Well neither of your parents are, so set your sights more on a factory job scraping out chicken guts.’

Atomic Blonde: women can win fights against many much bigger men

In fairness this is most movies these days, but Atomic Blonde’s famous fight scene takes down six armed men and while unarmed combat techniques undoubtedly make you quite hard, they don’t magically make you larger. A message that’s both empowering and would f**k you up if tried in real life.

Grease: peer group acceptance is vital

Possibly the only film to celebrate mindless conformity. Sandy undergoes a makeover and personality change to fit in with the zero-prospects greasers. Any sequel would feature Sandy and Danny as a married couple running a Delaware gas station with John Travolta performing ‘Gas Pump Jockey (On Minimum Wage)’.

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The man's guide to celebrating International Women's Day

WANT to celebrate International Women’s Day but what do women even think’s so good about them anyway? Sensible, objective man James Bates explains: 

Make it all about you

International Women’s Day recognises the achievements of women. And that’s lovely. But representation matters, and the lack of male voices is discrimination against the bloke. Speak up about this injustice. Ladies love a fella who fights for what’s right.

Buy them a little something

Big days like this always come with the expectation of gifts. A bottle of perfume or a trip to the spa should keep the little woman happy for a few hours. At the very least slip them a fiver so they can buy themselves make-up. That’ll stop all this nonsense about the gender wage gap.

Mansplain feminism

Seeing as all things women are in the news today, step in with your explanation of feminism. Most women don’t know it was invented in 1970 by Germaine Greer, who’s been cancelled now so logically there is no feminism. But apparently we’re in its fourth wave? I mean how many waves do you need?

Think of all the women who have inspired you

The world is full of great women. Nikki who I worked with was brilliant and we were an amazing team, until I got promoted because I got credit for all her work and she got made redundant. Today I’ll be taking a few minutes to think about her. Hope she learned to speak out and she’s girlbossing it up somewhere.

Nod and smile

Done all of the above? If so you’ve probably learnt that us blokes can’t seem to do anything right, least of all on International Women’s Day. Your best bet is to remain silent, look agreeable and run out the clock. Before long it’ll be tomorrow, and you’ll go back to passively benefiting from living in a patriarchal society.