Radiohead 'No-Albums' Pledge To Save Thousands Of Lives

RADIOHEAD'S pledge to stop making albums will save thousands of lives a year, experts claimed last night.

The Royal Institute of Psychiatry said that while short bursts of Radiohead were generally safe, recent studies revealed that anyone who listened to it for more than 25 uninterrupted minutes faced a substantially increased risk of wanting to hurl themselves in front of a train.

Lead singer Thohm Yhorkhe said the group may release the occasional single about the desolate bleakness of being very rich, but albums featuring 10 or more songs about middle-class alienation were a thing of the past.

He added: "We have slowly become aware that listening to me mumbling about death while Jonny kicks his guitar down an escalator is not conducive to robust mental health."

Meanwhile the Samaritans estimate the reduction in atonal tragi-pop could cut suicide attempts by 75%, though they admit this will be primarily amongst melodramatic teenagers who are unlikely to be missed.

Deputy chairman Tom Logan said the three most stressful episodes in a person's life are divorce, the death of a loved one and listening to OK Computer right through to the end.

The organisation successfully persuaded the band to release their last album, In Rainbows, via the internet amid fears the sharp edges of a CD might prove too tempting for shattered listeners.
Mr Logan said: "We did also ask them to change the title as it made it sound as if it might be quite jolly and pleasant, when of course it absolutely wasn't."

He added: "Our priority now is to support those people who start listening to Leonard Cohen instead, as he makes Radiohead look like KC & The Sunshine Band doing the Sesame Street song."

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Raffles Appalled

ARTHUR Raffles, the gentleman thief, last night launched a withering attack on the two men who raided a London jewellers, describing them as 'cads, ruffians and brutish ne'er-do-wells'.

Speaking from a sumptuous leather armchair in his St James's club, Mr Raffles said years of ill thought-out government policy had created a generation of 'tattooed scalliwags with scant regard for the honourable traditions of gem theft'.

He added: "When one desires a fine piece of bejewelleryment one must approach the task in hand with a careful combination of subtle intelligence and effortless sophistication.

"But thanks to Mr Brown's destruction of our educational system and his taste for tossing money at the undeserving poor, we are now bedevilled by indolent shoplifters who believe boorishness is a substitute for decent British cunning.

"What is more, these rowdy villains have no appreciation of the craftsmanship of a fine tiara and would regard it as nothing more than 'currency' to be exchanged for garish furniture, vulgar timepieces and the carnal favours of Cockney whores."

Mr Raffles was joined in his distaste by Sir Charles Lytton, the illegal custodian of the famed Pink Panther diamond.

Sir Charles, also known as the Phantom, said: "Barging one's way into a 'shop' while using rough language and wielding a pistol is just too, too ghastly.

"In my day, one would have acquired blueprints of the premises by disguising oneself as a simple but honest 'handyman'.

"If one was unable to deactivate the protective laser beams, one would simply have lowered oneself from the ceiling via an elegant system of ropes and pulleys, purloined the jewel and then hoisted oneself upwards, before disappearing into the night, leaving behind nothing more than a simple white glove, embroidered with the letter 'P'.

"By daybreak I would have returned to my terrace in Antibes where I would mix myself a vodka martini and marvel as the morning light of the Cote D'Azur danced playfully across the intricate facets of my newest acquisition."

He added: "Nevertheless I should imagine my dear friends at Scotland Yard will waste no time in apprehending these hooligans, mainly because their faces are all over the fucking security video."