Radiohead tour to confirm their position as the poor man's Oasis

DERIVATIVE pub rockers Radiohead are touring this autumn, in what is expected to be a pale imitation of Oasis’s triumphant comeback.

Music fans like Nathan Muir who failed to get tickets for Oasis are now planning to see Radiohead instead, having resigned themselves to a show in live music’s second division.

Muir said: “A Radiohead gig obviously won’t make up for missing out on the Gallagher spectacular, but I suppose it’ll be better than nothing. I just hope they don’t play anything after OK Computer.

“There won’t be any anthemic singalongs or technically amazing guitar solos. Karma Police is no Don’t Look Back in Anger, that’s for sure. And it definitely won’t be as visually arresting. Liam and Noel always put on a show, but I’ve always felt Radiohead are a bit static on stage.

“What I really love about Oasis is that they manage to recreate their records accurately in a live setting. Radiohead songs often sound completely different, probably because they don’t have the musical chops to reproduce the tricks of the recording studio.

“Perhaps the bottom line is that they just don’t have the tunes. I hate to say it, but every Oasis B-side is better than a Radiohead A-side.”

He added: “Still, I guess it’ll be fun if I’m with my mates. At least there’ll be plenty of opportunities to go to the bar, unlike Oasis gigs which are all about the music, man.”

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Nadine Dorries joins Reform to get over Boris

NADINE Dorries has defected to Reform in order to move on from her feelings for Boris Johnson, she has admitted.

The former Conservative MP and active conspiracy theorist has decided that he is not coming back, that she cannot spend her entire life waiting for him and that a new party allegiance means a new her.

Dorries said: “There, I’m Reform now, what do you think of that? Not that I’m doing it for him. Not that I even care if he’s watching.

“No, I’ve made this move because the Tories are dead and over and buried and settled and I’m over it, really I am. Can I get a picture with Nigel to put on my Insta to prove it? He’s not back from his $600,000 meet-and-greet with Trump? Okay.

“I’ve found a new, better saviour of the UK. One who doesn’t just sit around having babies. One who returns your calls. And it’s not just me. The Mail and the Telegraph have fallen for him just as hard as I have, and we’re agreed it’s not a rebound thing.

“So yes, here I am, Reform forever, Reform all the way to government, and if he changes his mind and runs in a by-election in 2027 and wins and becomes leader in 2028 it’s not too late to change back.”

Reform chairman David Bull said: “Another failed former Tory despised by the public whose seat went to Labour last year? Why, this will make us unstoppable!”