ANIMATION allows filmmakers to create delightful, surreal worlds. But as live-action, some movies would become distinctly nightmarish. Such as these.
Instead of the adorable cartoon rodent Remy, there’d be a bloody great black rat with giant prosthetic teeth and sinister little paws, and he’d be forcing a real man to make a pie. An entire generation would be put off French cuisine for life. And imagine the truly horrifying amount of rat’s piss visibly matted into the terrified actor’s hair.
The tale of cute monsters would be a celebration of animal cruelty as humans keep majestic beasts in tiny, orb-shaped cages, only releasing them to fight each other to the death. It’s acceptable as a cartoon, but seeing a photo-realistic electrified, yellow rodent beat seven shades of shit out of a giant, helpless caterpillar would be the equivalent of taking your kids to a dog fight for their birthday.
This already has one of the most harrowing openings to a children’s movie of all time. Now imagine a real deer mercilessly shot down by hunters, bleeding out onto the snow before being finished off with a hunting knife. Whole audiences would be leaving the cinema and hurling themselves under the first bus they saw. And boy, you’d regret eating those venison sausages.
This film serves as a fantastic metaphor to help children come to terms with such concepts as happiness, grief, and maturity, thanks to the anthropomorphised emotions living in the protagonist’s head. However, if you showed a realistic version of Bing Bong – whatever the hell that would look like – dying to a child, they’d never stop screaming.
What could be worse than seeing lovingly-drawn cartoon animals experience a bloody death in a cruel natural world? The answer is: seeing real cute bunnies ripped to shreds and tortured by Gestapo rabbits. It would basically be a particularly distressing David Attenborough documentary, but where the rabbits are chattier than normal.