Smoky bacon crisps, and other snacks that taste f**k all like they claim to

GOT a craving for roast beef, crispy bacon or a Thai curry? Prepare to be let down by these snacks whose descriptions are flagrantly taking the piss.

Smoky bacon crisps. Fancy some tasty bacon but can’t be arsed to put the grill on? These salty slivers are far from unpleasant, it’s just worrying you can’t quite place what they taste of. Pig juice? Chemicals? Barbecued spunk? However it’s definitely not rashers of delicious grilled Danish. 

Roast beef Monster Munch. The packaging promises the moon on a stick: ‘chunks of roasted beef’ sounds like Sunday dinner in a bag, which they would be if roast beef consisted of yeast extract and dust. Luckily there are only ever six of the curiously misshapen things in the f**king packet, so your crushing disappointment will be over quickly.

Thai curry Super Noodles. Thai curries are an intoxicating blend of exotic spices like lemon grass, chilli and galangal. These taste of f**k all, and the only stab at authenticity is chucking in a bit of curry powder in and hoping for the best. However if you’re eating this shit it’s because you’ve come home pissed at 2am when the kebab shop had shut, so you’ll barely notice before falling asleep on the sofa with half of them down your shirt.

Prawn cocktail Skips. There’s tomato paste in Marie Rose sauce, so a bit of powdered tomato extract should do the trick, thought KP’s scientists. Strangely, the tapioca starch discs still don’t taste like prawns. However eating real shellfish that have been in a bag for 18 months would give you a violent dose of the green apple splatters, so it’s just as well.

Anything ‘BBQ’. Hula Hoops, Wotsits, Mini Cheddars – all things you would never put on a barbecue, unless you’re insane or a TikTok cook. They’re taking the piss so much they can’t even be arsed to spell it properly. Instead of ‘BBQ’ they could just be honest and call them ‘Vague taste of dried Marmite flavour’. It’s not exactly ruining the illusion that you’re eating prime burger at a delightful summer barbecue.

Vegan pork scratchings. Invented to plug the unfathomable gap in the market created by vegans who want to pretend they’re eating meat products while lying to themselves that they don’t like it. Given that actual pork scratchings are pretty unpleasant to begin with, it should come as no surprise that these taste of deep-fried cardboard. 

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The man's guide to leaving a woman sexually unsatisfied

LEAVING a woman unsatisfied in the bedroom is a skill that comes naturally to some men. But if you’re still struggling to unfulfil her desires, use these tried-and-tested techniques.

Skip foreplay

It’s rare for a woman to come from foreplay alone, so what’s the point? Lingering kisses, a gentle caress of the neck, the odd nibble of the ear, these are the sexual equivalent of trailers before the film you actually came to see gets started, so don’t waste your time on them. You’ve got five whole minutes of underwhelming shagging to get down to.

Use un-dirty talk

Pre-lovemaking sexts and hushed dirty talk during intercourse are a fantastic way to build arousal. So to leave a woman unsatisfied, try the opposite. A detailed rundown of your boring day in the office should dramatically diminish her libido, but if things somehow continue to escalate, try sighing and muttering ‘Right, let’s get it over with’ as you put your head between her legs.

Neglect the clitoris

Many of you are already doing this, but it’s important to remember the basics. As the most sensitive erogenous zone of the female body, it’s critical that you pretend not to be able to find the clitoris, or clumsily fumble around in the general area before giving up altogether. You gave it a good shot, didn’t pan out, end of.

Get into a routine

Spontaneity and experimentation are your enemy if you want to leave a woman unsatisfied. Instead, sex should be scheduled months in advance like a dentist’s appointment and conducted with robotic efficiency. Handing her a minute-by-minute itinerary of the evening’s bedroom activities beforehand is good. Especially because her orgasm doesn’t appear on it.

Don’t make her come

Not even once. Twice is just a made-up thing in films anyway. Getting her close is fine, but remember to kill the mood at the last minute by checking your phone or switching on the TV. If she brings up her lack of orgasm later, remind her that it’s just a myth cooked up by media companies to sell glossy women’s magazines.