Reading Festival boasts 'best ever' line-up of people to throw piss at

EXCITED music fans cannot wait to decide which acts at the Reading Festival they will throw bottles of urine at.

With The 1975, The Killers and Billie Eilish headlining and a host of other wankers also playing, festival-goers are spoilt for choice over bottle-of-wee hurling.

Student Tom Booker said: “My main worry is that if I want to throw a bottle of piss at Matty Healy it will clash with throwing a bottle of piss at Brandon Flowers.

“I’ve only got a small rucksack so I didn’t bring any booze, spare clothes or drugs and just brought piss bottles instead. I love music so I want to drench as many of these twats as possible.

“I’d hate to miss an act I want throw piss at so me and my girlfriend have drawn up a tight schedule. It’s going to be lovely throwing bottles at Central Cee together.”

Accountant Norman Steele, 43, said: “Now I’m older and better off I don’t have to rough it at festivals. I’ve brought a luxury camper van with 60 bottles of chilled piss in the fridge.

“They’re all for Imagine Dragons.”

19-year-old Donna Sheridan said: “My dad gave me a bottle of piss he never got to throw at Iron Maiden in 1980. I hope Nothing But Thieves appreciate its rich rock heritage.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Woman who only dates 'bad boys' can't believe they all cheat on her

A WOMAN who only goes out with ‘bad boys’ is shocked they cheat on her even though it is pretty clear they are dicks.

Nikki Hollis, 30, has dated eight disreputable types, all of whom have been unfaithful, with one proving to be a particularly ‘bad’ boy by stealing her bank cards.

Hollis’ best friend Emma Bradford said: “A bad boy saying he’s not going to cheat is like a cat saying he’s only going out looking for mice because he wants to give them a cuddle.

“Why would you expect anything else from someone who describes themselves as a ‘bad boy’? They’re saying openly ‘I’m an absolute shit’.

“Nikki says good guys are boring and predictable, but aren’t bad boys just as predictable but in a really horrible way?”

Hollis said: “Nice guys make you feel comfortable, secure and loved which makes it really difficult to have constant personal dramas and throw cocktails in their faces.

“Bad boys are fit and I love shouting ‘you fucking wanker’ down the high street at 3am. I think it’s because I’m shallow.”

Next story ›