Relight my Fire, and other hit songs about arson

ARSON is a niche crime but, along with stealing hearts or organ trafficking as it’s better known, one of the most musically popular. These lit up the charts: 

Relight my Fire, Take That, 1993

It’s every pyromaniac’s nightmare: you’re setting a blaze going at the school where they all laughed at you and it fizzles out. Take That’s second number one was their impassioned plea for kindling, enlisting Lulu on the basis she had red hair. Eventually Robbie burned down the whole band.

Murder on the Dance Floor, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, 2001

She might look like an English rose, but Ellis-Bextor loves to burn a goddamn house right down. Perhaps because of her traumatic childhood being forced to make endless constructions from toilet roll tubes and yoghurt pots by her mother Janet Ellis who had been banished from Blue Peter for pregnancy and locked in a tower. It was the 80s.

Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash, 1963

No, it’s not about the aftermath of a phaal. Cash is detailing the optimal technique for reducing unwanted, though heavily insured, farm outbuildings to ashes by pouring accelerant in a circle and advising you not to, as he did, trip and fall into your own burning ring. So it’s not a joke at all.

We Didn’t Start the Fire, Billy Joel, 1989

Tried for aggravated arson, Joel defended himself and pinned blame on everyone from Marilyn Monroe, Einstein, James Dean, Elvis, Doris Day, and Belgians in the Congo. Sentenced to six years, he realised his closing speech to the jury had a nice rhythm to it and turned it into a song. He then took two guards hostage and escaped.

Set Fire to the Rain, Adele, 2011

Too busy getting her heart broken to read up on the basics, Adele attempted to burn water. Her ex-boyfriend shook his head, his decision to dump her based on her imperfect grasp of chemical reactions entirely justified.

Fire, U2, 1981

Bono’s pose as a philanthropist – Band Aid, Live Aid, Amnesty Internation, giving away an album that’s on your iPhone even now, a decade later – hides a dark side. ‘I built a fire,’ he sings, admitting culpability. But getting away with it because he wears shades so nobody knows it’s him.

Disco Inferno, The Trammps, 1976

‘Burn, baby, burn. Burn that mother down.’ Not only calling for babies to be set alight but their mothers also. Most arsonists are happy with empty buildings. It takes a particularly sick-minded individual to sing about burning innocent people.

Firestarter, The Prodigy, 1996

Actually about romance.

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Seven core beliefs of Trump supporters that bear no relation to reality

DONALD Trump plans to fight the presidential election on a solid campaign of easily disprovable bullshit, lapped up by lunatics who already hold these fictional beliefs: 

Michelle Obama is a man

Michelle is actually a man called Michael, who didn’t change his name much. Therefore Barack is gay, though the kind of gay attracted to men who look and act exactly like women, and who have birthed two childen. This is an entry-level belief. If you can’t swallow this Trump doesn’t want you.

Trump is America’s last hope against communism

America has never been noted for its love of communism or its flourishing communist party. Consequently, communism has been redefined as anything vaguely liberal, up to and including Reagan. It’s impossible to pin down what they mean. You’d have more joy asking your dog how he’s getting on with the copy of The Magus you left in his basket.

A Satanic paedophile ring operates in Washington

It’s obvious, at this point, that a Satanic paedophile elite including Hillary Clinton ordered children from pizzeria Comet Ping Pong using pizza-based codewords. ‘Extra pepperoni’ meant ‘extra adrenochrome’. It is a firmly-held belief of the detached-from-reality. Deciding Bigfoot is real and dispatching hunter-killer helicopters to Oregon is not beyond them.

Trump is a genius

Trump claimed he was a ‘very stable genius’, a statement akin to ‘I wouldn’t know how to destroy DNA evidence with domestic bleach, officer’ in convincing you of the exact opposite. A poll found 50 per cent of Republicans agreed with the claim. Would such a genius be incapable of coming up with a better insult for opponents than ‘loser’?

The Storm is coming

In Trump lore, Donald’s arch-enemy is the Deep State, ’The Storm’ is their overthrow, and John F Kennedy Jr is alive and pitching in to help. It’s the plot of a comic book, specifically a shit rip-off of Red Skull and Hydra drawn by a particularly untalented nine-year-old, starring the father who doesn’t love him.

Supporting Trump is not incompatible with Christian faith

Evangelical Christians spent decades demanding their leader be Christian, only to throw themselves full behind a man who worships naught but the golden calf of himself. Still, 64 per cent of Republicans consider Trump a ‘person of faith’ even if his messages are ‘Blessed are the lying braggarts’ and ‘The Lord grabbethed the pussy, and it was good’.

The Trumps’ marriage is happy and fulfilling

Melania forcefully stopped Trump sharing a car with her recently, as you do when you’re in love. Trump supporters maintain the marriage is happy and Melania is the best first lady ever. Few people can claim to know what’s going on behind Melania’s Sphinx-like face, but her permanent my-dog-just-died expression suggests it’s ‘F**k off, orange prick’.