Researchers discover only British actor who hasn't been in Doctor Who

RESEARCHERS have confirmed the discovery of the only British actor who has never been in Doctor Who.

Forty-nine year-old Wayne Hayes, whose credits includes Midsomer Murders, Holby City, Old Dogs, Hollyoaks and Star in a Reasonably Priced Car from Top Gear back when it was good, is the only British actor of the last 50 years who has failed to be cast in the children’s sci-fi favourite.

He said: “I’ve had a few auditions for ‘Who’ but never got the role. My last one was for a Dalek.

“I spent days getting into it, working out my motivation and practicing in front of a mirror – Ex-Ter-min-ATE, Ex-TER-minate, EXTER-min-ate.”

He added: “So I say my line to Steven Moffatt and he shouts ‘next!’ and told me I wasn’t ‘committing to the Dalek mindset’. Which is a bit rich. Have you seen it? They’ll take bloody anyone.

“If Iain Duncan Smith can play the Fisher King, then why can’t I be a Dalek?”

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Remainer celebrates one year of feeling morally superior

A REMAIN supporter has marked one year of feeling superior to the ignorant plebs who supported Brexit.

Nathan Muir, from Kingston, campaigned for Stronger In during the referendum and has taken every opportunity since to sigh loudly at the stupidity of Leave voters.

Muir said: “Over the past year, I have begun to look on the bright side of Brexit, namely that it gives me the perfect opportunity to demonstrate my sophistication and intelligence compared to the drooling Morlocks who got swindled by a bus.

“I stand a little taller knowing that I am an objectively better and less racist person than 52 per cent of my fellow citizens, none of whom understand European tariff law like I do.

Muir’s colleague Emma Bradford said: “I voted Remain, but listening to Nathan talk melodramatically about how he will never give up his European identity makes me wonder if Vote Leave might have been onto something.

“A lot of us were sad about the result, but he’s the only person I know who made a song and dance about joining the fucking Lib Dems.”