SOME artists insist on clinging to the same image they had 20 years ago or more, and the results are often distressing. Here are some who need a rethink.
Rod Stewart
Rod’s image hasn’t changed much since he was croaking out Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? in the 70s with his mullet and unbuttoned shirt with medallion. The noted shagger clearly still likes to think of himself as a ladies’ man, albeit a settled one, but it all conflicts somewhat with his actual old person interests: model railways, complaining about potholes and saying we should ‘give Nigel Farage a chance’.
Robert Smith
To be honest Robert always looked more like an ordinary bloke wearing lipstick and eye shadow for a laugh than a enigmatic creature of darkness. And now the back-combed hair and white foundation definitely need a rethink. Goths don’t have a problem with looking like a character from a horror film, but it’s usually a sexy vampire, not Nicolas Cage in Longlegs.
Madonna
Madonna can’t move on from her overtly sexy image of the 80s and the Gaultier fetish underwear look that served her so well in the 90s. But it’s clearly turned into a battle with the concept of ageing itself, with each ill-advised stage costume clearly designed to prove she’s pretty hot for a 67-year-old. You are, Madonna, really you are. Now can you go clothes shopping at M&S?
Liam Gallagher
The reunion showed that Liam still loves the old terrace fashion anoraks and parkas he wore in the 90s. Unfortunately the look is less ‘cool dad’ and more ‘won’t f**king grow up’. His poor children must have spent their childhoods squirming with embarrassment as Liam said things like ‘Fancy ‘avin it large at the zoo?’, possibly later followed by threats to fight a monkey.
Chris Martin
Chris invariably wears garish bespoke trainers the makers are happy to provide and jackets with some similar quirk like being covered in graffiti or military-style stripes. It all smacks of a lame middle-aged attempt to not be square without doing anything too radical. He could save himself a lot of trouble by just getting some hilarious Wallace & Gromit socks like other 48-year-old blokes.
Axl Rose
Axl’s original late 80s style requires the right body shape. Skintight leather trousers favour the younger man, and his bandana requires a certain lean, menacing, feral look to pull off. He’s somewhat ‘chunkier’ these days, and it’s hard to see him as an edgy urban outlaw when he looks like a character in a CBBC spin-off called The Rock Tellytubbies.
The Rolling Stones
Mick Jagger (82) is still prancing around in the lurid blouson jackets he discovered in the 80s, Keith Richards (81) is still some sort of rock’n’roll pirate, and Ronnie Wood (78) looks like he got confused and put on his grandson’s skinny jeans by mistake, and it all just highlights how genuinely old they are. Audiences want to hear the classics, not experience the same sense of dread as when their 80-year-old grandad says he’s ‘just taking the car for a spin’.
