Secret Cinema victims treated for lack of perspective
THOUSANDS of middle class people are receiving emergency lack of perspective treatment following the cancellation of Secret Cinema.
Around 84,000 people had tickets for special ‘immersive’ screenings of Back to the Future, the non-occurence of which is the biggest bourgeois crisis since the chalk paint drought of 2013.
Architect Stephen Malley said: “I had made travel arrangements and bought a Marty McFly gilet off eBay, all for nothing. Nothing!
“The monsters responsible have offered me a refund, or replacement tickets for next weekend, which is when I’ve got a wedding in Italy.
“Jesus christ, I don’t want to live in a world where innovative art-at-scale projects are run unreliably.
“I’m going to kill myself by eating non-artisan fried chicken for every meal until I keel over.”
Brand consultant Emma Bradford said: “Secret Cinema is cancelled and people are telling me to get a grip? You try getting a fucking grip when there’s suddenly a gaping hole in your schedule.
“They can’t do this to me. I know people in the media. Cool people.”
Lack of perspective specialist Dr Tom Logan said: “My advice is to stop hyperventilating, have a quick look at the global news agenda, then go and buy some tickets for the normal cinema.
“The new Planet of the Apes is on, it’s quite good.”