Sewing now a thing

SEWING has been confirmed as a thing.

The arrival of a television programme called The Great British Sewing Bee is proof of needlecraft’s ascent to thingdom.

Thingologist Eleanor Shaw said: “Sewing is a thing and will remain so for at least a fortnight.

“The next thing will be either retro fishing or carpentry.”

89-year-old sewing fan Mary Fisher said: “Now I’m worried that my grandchildren will think I’m some kind of bandwagon-jumping hipster.”

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Government targets most annoying middle class families

THE prime minister has pledged to help 120,000 of the most irritating middle class families.

Downing Street announced extra help for comfortably-off households that have been placed on a special ‘annoying’ list, with the aim of making them less tiresome within two years.

Social worker Emma Bradford said: “There are a lot of families out there who are completely self-absorbed, trapped in a cycle of boutique camping, art gallery private views and farmer’s markets.

“”These families are making life hell for people who have to listen to their dreary bourgeois problems.

“”Where it is appropriate we will intervene directly, for example by encouraging them to shut up for five fucking minutes.

““In families where we fail to see an improvement we will be able to impose sanctions, such as restricting their access to Radio 4.””

However, middle-class parent Julian Cook said: “”The government should stay out of our lives. It’’s up to me if I want to wank on about negative equity over my brunchtime brioche.

““The state should focus on real issues like the chronic shortage of really good organic butchers.”