Why was corned beef being sold to anyone?

CONSUMERS have demanded to know why corned beef is available.

As Asda recalled its corned beef after traces of a veterinary painkiller were found, shoppers became nauseous at the mere thought of a meat oblong with a yellowy crust.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I couldn’t care less about the horse drugs, horses always look very healthy and tend to have excellent muscle tone.

“But to think that anyone could have walked into a shop and bought a tin of corned beef right off the shelf. Kids, even.

“Just thinking about the way it plops out of the can makes me do a bit of sick in my mouth.”

The existence of corned beef has highlighted other inexplicable foods like canned fried breakfasts and meat pies that you cook in the tin.

Government health advisor Dr Roy Hobbs said: “We are aware that there is some rank shit out there.

“But we can’t ban these horrible foods because they are popular with pensioners and also the kind of quiet loners that expose themselves on public transport.

“The bar codes on ‘all-in-one breakfast’ tins contain tracking devices that the police use to help locate perverts.”

He added: “I had a breakfast in a can once, it actually wasn’t too bad if you skip the sausage.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You boycott your local cafe after reading in the paper that a millionaire footballer like Juan Mata has been allowing his brother Fecal to work in the kitchen.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you get into a furious argument with somebody in the queue for the condolence book over whether it should be ‘suck demon’s dick’ or ‘suck demon dicks’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No word from the Oxford English Dictionary editors about your new definition of the word ‘circumnavigating’ – “A man knighted for his services to gay bukkake porn’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The weather gets worse after the weekend, temperatures dropping to 3 degrees, but with the wind chill factor it will feel like you want to start sobbing then kill yourself.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your exclusive interview with David Bowie starts badly when you point out that astronauts tend to be pilots and ‘Major’ Tom would actually have been ‘Squadron Leader’ Tom.

 Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The graph showing the likelihood of a plan not working and its relative craziness is a straight line upwards, not a bell curve, as your defence lawyer patiently explains to you.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Bolivian, 100% pure, with a street value of £20,000 per kg. The price of organic coffee is absolutely scandalous today, isn’t it?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The joy that a celebrity retweeted one of your comments this week will be tempered by the realization that it’s utterly meaningless and one day everyone on this planet will be dead.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Well, that’s a relief – everyone at work accuses you of talking out of your arse not because they disbelieve you but because of how your breath smells.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Avoiding garlic and eating pineapple can help to make your semen taste more palatable. Or you can just stop drinking the sodding stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jupiter said he has naked pictures of your mum. Are you going to take that shit off him? He said you could have twelve for the price of one because nobody wants them. Harsh.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

(This horoscope has been removed by the moderator for excessive use of the phrase ‘engorged member’.)