'Shit music for violent dickheads': A reassessment of punk, 1976-1981

PUNK is recognised as one of the most seminal musical movements of all time by the wankers directly involved. Here’s why it was crap:

The music

It was revolutionary that none of the bands could play their instruments or gave a f**k about their lack of talent. Exciting on paper, excruciatingly awful when at an actual gig. No wonder the audience pogoed, spat on the band and sniffed glue.

The fans

Punks were violent, dirty and gratuitously offensive, and that attracts a certain type. The type for whom punching a dozen people in the face is a good night out and if it requires a green mohawk, fine. All fun and games until you’re thrown through a glass door at a Members gig.

The fashion

For a movement centred around a boyband put together by a London boutique, everyone looked f**king awful. Binbags and pissed jeans are unflattering on anybody. And Nazi armbands? In 1976? Grow up. There were topless punk models but they were arty and taboo-breaking. Though still topless.

The cultural impact

Nobody was into punk. Britain was bang into disco and prog rock and Barbra Streisand ballads from films. Punk was no bigger than UK garage, but a load of writers bigged it up endlessly. Even then Rod Stewart’s Sailing beat God Save The Queen to number one.

The legacy

The radical punk lifestyle was a searing critique of ’70s Britain, following which Thatcher was elected and held office for 11 years. There was barely a punk song in the charts after 1980. 15 years later Green Day’s wildly successful pop-punk about turds was representing the genre on the world stage. Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?

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What kind of annoying Instagram f**kwit are you?

BROADCASTING your life via Instagram automatically makes you a f**kwit. But which kind are you? 

The earnest life coach

These morons spam feeds with inspirational quotes in twirly pastel lettering. Most of them are tedious yet well-meaning pearls of wisdom from Confucius, but every now and then they’ll misinterpret and share one of Sun Tzu’s maxims. Their audience of deluded followers lap them up regardless.

Fancy-lifestyle-in-background wanker

These ones are easy to spot. Is there a new log burner, vermilion chaise longue or a massive Selfridges bag in the background of your selfies? If so then you’re a privileged lifestyle wanker. Other giveaways are the hashtags #countryliving #cotswoldslife and #decriminalisefoxhunting.

American sponsored-content lady

These can be recognised even with the sound off. Her rows of pristine white teeth and ring-light reflecting eyes tell everyone she’s desperate for engagement with a Nutribullet pyramid scheme. Instagram users should block immediately and scroll away as fast as their little fingers can carry them.

The pictures-of-trees person

Do you take dozens of out of focus pictures of trees then compile them into an exhausting Instagram story? If so then you’re this f**kwit. Expect your followers, if you ever had any, to steadily dwindle away because nobody gives a shit about trees, we’ve all seen them. Your mum will be the last one left but will have you muted.

The smug mother

If you bombard your audience with photos of Archie’s Mandarin lesson or Elsa’s grade 4 piano recital then this is you. Be aware that other mothers are monitoring your life closely and plotting your humiliating downfall. You brought it on yourself by sharing photos of how you got your pre-baby body back so quickly.

The fortysomething cyclist

Representation is important. But thanks to marathon runners, people going through a midlife crisis are well accounted for. This means nobody needs to see you squeezed into elastane leggings as you go for a Sunday morning cycle.

The unabashed hot narcissist

Being hot isn’t a crime, but knowing you’re hot and coyly flaunting your body on Instagram should be. You fall in this category if you only post photos of yourself lounging on the beach, or share reels where you’re working out in as little clothing as possible. Everyone secretly hates you and wants to bang you. That’s what you wanted.