DOES your partner drift off instantly while you lie awake for hours? You might recognise these other irritating bedtime habits:
Listening to white noise
Perhaps your bedmate is soothed to sleep by falling rain or crashing waves? Bully for them. But you’re the one left listening to hours of watery noises once they’re asleep, desperate for a piss yet not wanting to disturb them in case they wake and press play again. Wet the bed and say it was them.
Falling asleep instantly
While you theoretically want your partner relaxed and stress-free, being so chilled they fall asleep instantly is taking the piss. The only way you can achieve instant slumber is after two bottles of Shiraz, and even then you wake up three hours later hungover, paranoid and knackered.
Being strangely hot
Not hot as in sexy; hot as in radiating so much ambient body heat that you want to lie on the bathroom tiles just to feel cool. Taking off your pyjamas doesn’t work either as they wake up thinking it’s an invitation for a shag while you’re more punch-them-hard-in-the-face-for-ruining-your-sleep mood.
Making a weird noise
Snoring is f**king maddening, but at least you know what it is and it’s a regular sound. If your partner makes an odd clicking sound in their throat every so often or suddenly and/or says ‘Get them out of here. They’re milk churns’ you’ll be both perplexed and pissed off. Are they having night terrors? Who gives a f**k at 3am?
The golden rule of being able to sleep in a bed with another human is that they must not move a muscle except for very quiet breathing. If you find yourself in bed with a twat thrashing like a fish on a hook who kicks you in the shin, you may wish to end your relationship immediately. Or kip on the sofa, whichever’s cheaper.