Six bullshit non-events reality shows believe are incredibly dramatic

JUST heard a high-pitched chord during reality TV, even though absolutely nothing happened? One of these non-events occurred:

Someone said they didn’t like someone’s house

Yes, unbelievably, that multi-millionaire’s wife thinks another multi-millionaire’s wife has made her house look ‘tacky’. Which she said in an off-hand comment to a different multi-millionaire’s wife. Support is available online if you’ve been affected by issues raised in this programme.

Someone kissed someone

No, your eyes are not deceiving you, and this is not an under-16s disco. These grown adults are giving impassioned, tear-filled confessionals to camera because their friend managed to lock lips with someone who clearly fancied them. Heart in your mouth stuff.

Someone didn’t kiss someone

A man has stormed off set, backed by a ballad about betrayal, because a pretty woman he’s treated awfully didn’t want to kiss him. Even primary and secondary school kids would be embarrassed by this overdramatic display, meanwhile you’ve lost 40 minutes of your life by watching it.

Someone accused someone of lying

There’s one thing that offends people who make thousands selling ghost-written books and endorsing bullshit diet pills more than anything else, and that’s being called a liar. Or even worse, ‘fake’. If this happens expect screaming and crying, then lots of hugging and calling each other ‘family’.

Someone didn’t come to someone’s party

Even though 90 per cent of this show seems to be every woman on it saying how much they hate every other woman on it, God forbid one of them misses this week’s soirée. Whether they’re feeling under the weather or clinically dead, no excuse will save non-attendees from becoming a villain worse than Satan.

Someone threw a drink

Admittedly quite dramatic in comparison to the above. However reality TV will consider a thrown drink on par with someone getting stabbed in the face. At least three of the following episodes will earnestly cover the aftermath of the flung beverage, complete with black-and-white slow-motion flashbacks to the chilling incident. Never invite people like this to a gig or football match.

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Couple on first date undeterred by glum married couples all around them

A YOUNG couple is enjoying their restaurant date despite being surrounded by the miserable future that possibly awaits them.

Lucy Parry and James Bates are making the most of their romantic meal, even though they can see the grim repercussions of a successful relationship all around them.

The waiter tending to their table said: “It’s amazing, they’re acting as if they’re not having dinner in a scrapheap for the idea of romance.

“There’s only one married couple in here who’s having a conversation, and it’s an argument about recycling. Everyone else is idly scrolling through their phones. I passed one table where they were both on Tinder.

“Married diners are easy to spot because they have the sad energy of a bear chained up in a dilapidated zoo. In comparison these two are wild horses roaming free. It must be insulting for everyone else to see.”

Married diner Margaret Gerving said: “I hope for their sake they break up. Relationships start out fun, but soon you’re staring at an overpriced chicken Kiev and making small talk about how uncomfortable the chairs are.”