Six films where everyone's a twat

ARE you baffled by films where you’re expected to identify with blundering twats? These six made you wish they’d all piss off:

The Blair Witch Project

People complained that not much happens. How, when there’s complaining, sulking, bickering and Heather droning on about her crappy film project. Shouting ‘Josh!’ 3,000 times is not dialogue. The best character is the witch makes them shut the f**k up. Admittedly by killing them.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Superman is a mopey space moron without the common sense to apologise for wrecking Metropolis on the grounds of earth-saving. Batman’s a mopey fascist who’s out there f**king branding people. Lois Lane’s a bloody liability and Lex Luthor’s a wanker. Don’t get too emotionally invested in these wonderful characters in case one of them dies.

Hostel

Inexplicably popular torture porn. All the protagonists are ultra-annoying, largely interchangeable, sex-obsessed American f**kwits. You quickly feel the rich sadists doing a spot of power drill torture have a point, while still hating watching it.

Any Transformers film

Protagonist Shia LaBeouf fails to be likeable and hilarious so hard. Mark Wahlberg takes over and just sort of… exists. Everyone spends every film f**king up so badly that you long for the final battle to end in a massive pile of groaning boiler parts. The less said about racist stereotypes Skids and Mudflap the better. Can a robot even have a booty call?

La La Land

An aspiring actress meets an aspiring jazz musician in a town full of twats. Is their beautiful romance a light of hope in the venal, money-grubbing darkness of the entertainment industry? No, they’re both twats as well. It’s great they end up not together, but terribly sad they end up happy.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

The last chance to save a $4.1 billion franchise, so the director stuck Finn in the friendzone, sent Rey and Kylo randomly zipping about and chucked in an ex-girlfriend for Poe so he wasn’t gay, which was his best feature. Now there is no film franchise. That’s what dongs they all were.

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The stingy bastard's guide to riding out the cost of living crisis

INFLATION got you worried? Bills rocketing? Can’t pay rent? Not me, because I’m a tight bastard. Let me show you how to cut costs to zero:

Get another job

If you’re in a job that pays the living wage, you need at least two other similarly paid jobs to afford necessities like a pot to piss in. Brilliantly, this also means no time at home to run up bills and no money frittered on nights out. Relentless toil also stops you wasting your time on profitless activities such as sleeping.

Wear a big jumper

Everyone’s terrified about being landed with an extortionate energy bill, but the most cost effective way to stay warm is to wear a big jumper and thermal leggings at all times. It doesn’t cost anything to exercise a bit of common sense, you know. Turn off the water so your pipes don’t freeze.

Live under a bridge

If you’re renting you’re flushing money down the toilet every month. If you own your own place you’re in a housing bubble about to burst. But bridges are free to live under and all you have to put up with is the cold, possible tidal waters, and the thundering cacophony of traffic rolling overhead.

Don’t do anything

Everything costs money. Even going for a walk demands that you spend upwards of £7 on clothes and shoes. To really look after the pennies you find a vacant corner in a library or branch of CEX and curl up in it for a couple of decades. With any luck you might luck into a long, cost-free afterlife as a ghost.

Sell your body

Chiselling out your own kidneys to afford gas isn’t a sign of Western civilisation in decline. It’s a side hustle, and if you stream that shit on YouTube you’ll earn pennies in ad revenue. Try to save hawking your eyes on the dark web until last or it’ll make chopping off your own limbs more difficult.

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