Six great actors who will be remembered for their shittiest film

TERENCE Stamp has died, and his many acting triumphs are being overshadowed by his role as a one-dimensional villain in Superman II. These actors will suffer the same: 

Dame Judi Dench

A storied career in stage and screen over six decades has seen Judi play Sally Bowles in Cabaret, play a definitive Lady Macbeth, win Tony awards, Olivier awards, Baftas and Oscars, and yet what will the headline photo be when that sad day finally comes? F**king M out of the f**king Bond films.

Sir Ian McKellen

Opposite Dench in that acclaimed 1976 Trevor Nunn production of Macbeth for the RSC? The great Ian McKellen. Such a fine actor with such incredible range. His 1930s-set Richard III, which he co-wrote, redefined a role Olivier was considered to have made his own. The picture editor’s tough choice? ‘Hmm. Gandalf or Magneto?’

Kate Winslet

Right through her career it’s been arthouse for Winslet. Whether Heavenly Creatures or Holy Smoke, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or The Reader, she’s consistently challenged her audience and herself. But she knows and we know it’ll be Titanic, the only debate being how much cleavage to show. They are magnificent, to be fair.

Kristen Scott Thomas

A fine actress, despite debuting in a Prince film even Prince fans cannot enjoy, with a career on the West End stage and in Paris. Indeed she’s also starred in many French films which must be impenetrably arty by the simple fact of their nationality. Yet to the wider world she will forever be the one from Four Weddings who says ‘Duckface’.

Jack Nicholson

Actually, The Shining is far from Jack’s shittiest film. That accolade goes to anything he made from Anger Management onwards. But for a brilliant actor with a unique screen presence and a filmography of Chinatown and Five Easy Pieces to be remembered with the axe-door picture is an indignity. Still, at least it’s not the f**king Joker.

Heath Ledger

As proof. Heath Ledger was, after Brokeback Mountain, thought to be one of the greatest actors of his generation. Nominated for an Oscar aged just 26, he aspired to direct and write his own films. He would have become a legend. Instead he’s remembered for being the Joker in a bloody Batman film. Not even the most recent award-winning Joker.

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Anyone who says 'I couldn't have done it without you' is lying

THE phrase ‘I couldn’t have done it without you’ is a lie in every circumstance in which it is used without exception, research has found.

A lexicological investigation has revealed that whether the statement is being made by a CEO, a charitable organiser, a headteacher, the leader of an SAS squad operating behind enemy lines or the Pope, it is demonstrably untrue.

Researcher Jo Kramer said: “When, as a bridesmaid, I was told the wedding simply could not have been organised without me, my suspicions were aroused. Because I did piss all.

“Nikki was desperate to get hitched. Does she honestly expect us to believe that without a WhatApp group saying ‘oh those flowers are lovely’ she would have been unable to book a venue, choose a dress and persuade Craig that he couldn’t do any better?

“Based on this, we looked into other occasions and found they were no better suited to the phrase’s use. On around 90 per cent it’s being used by the person who’s done all the work, is fully aware it’s untrue and is actually pretty resentful about it.

“Oddly it’s rarely used in situations where it’s appropriate, like after sex, to the other drivers in a multi-car pile-up or when being a complete freeloader at work who nonetheless expects credit.”

Head of research Professor Charlotte Phelps said: “Thanks for all your hard work, Jo. We couldn’t have done this without you.”