Six musical acts who laughably tried to sound hard

MUSICIANS can’t be content with writing tunes and feel the need to pretend they’re hard. Here are some of the least convincing: 

Mötley Crüe

Every band photo was supposedly dripping with menace but they just looked like drag queens impersonating popular busty horror host Elvira. Their biker look for Girls, Girls, Girls was equally camp, and they were so full of smack and Jack Daniels they’d have lost a fight before they knew one was taking place.

Elton John, specifically Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting

In which parallel universe pub did Elton go scrapping in his star-shaped glasses and flared silver jumpsuit? The Tantrum and Tiara? Okay, the lyrics were by Bernie Taupin, but as essentially a poet he seems equally unlikely to be wielding a flick knife.


There were scuffles between the Gallaghers, but their family wasn’t troubled enough for either to be psychopathic enough to finish the job. Liam did hit Noel over the head with a tambourine once, but it’s not a weapon favoured by elite troops or gangland enforcers.


Despite his songs being extremely violent, Eminem is no more hard than the bloke who played Freddie Krueger. In real life, Mr Mathers is probably of average hardness at best and unlikely to slowly skin you alive with a hedge trimmer, or whatever his latest baroque rap fantasy is.

Status Quo, specifically In the Army Now

A weird account of combat clearly written by non-combatants: ‘Hand grenades flying over your head, missiles flying over your head, if you want to survive get out of bed’. So clunky and unrealistic it may as well contain the line ‘If atom bombs hit you won’t be fine, try to make sure you don’t tread on a landmine’.

Michael Jackson 

Leaving aside his actual sickening crimes, Jackson claimed to be both Bad – really, really bad – and a Smooth Criminal in a confusing ditty about a murdered woman. Both prove showbiz kids pretending to be tough is laughable. The dancing zombie was more frightening, and that was bollocks.

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A hundred people bringing their own booze and other things the Met Police haven't noticed

POLICE at Downing Street completely failed to spot 100 staffers with eight-packs of Stella in blue plastic bags getting shitfaced in the garden. What else did they miss? 

All the other parties

The other May parties, the Christmas parties, the Harvest Festival parties, the 2021 Valentine’s Day ball with live PA from Peter Andre: it seems there wasn’t a party at Downing Street that police managed to catch. Meanwhile, elsewhere in Britain, they were busting baby showers.

Copious evidence of lockdown lawbreaking

Sadly, the Met – whose boss, Cressida Dick, presided over the execution of an innocent Brazilian man then got promoted – did not have enough evidence to act on lockdown parties. The photos, email and first-hand testimony were insufficient. However if you’re two black athletes in a nice car they’ve got all the evidence they need.

That twat going to Durham

Eyewitnesses can be confused. Questioning can be intrusive. Investigating senior civil servants can be gently discouraged. So ultimately no action was taken by the police about Dominic Cummings’s lockdown-breaking visits to Durham and Barnard Castle while they were telling two people sat down with crisps that it was an illegal picnic.

Genuine mourning

The Met’s failed to observe that hundreds of people gathered to mourn Sarah Everard last March were socially distanced and outdoors, instead judging it as a riot waiting to happen and acting accordingly. Though many of them were able to use their detective skills to trace and harrass attendee Patsy Stevenson on Tinder.

Any racism whatsoever

Despite an official report of ‘institutional racism’, the Met has never once found any racism whatsoever within its ranks. Even when senior black officers expose it, subsequent investigations always find it was just a misunderstanding and here’s a large payoff. Perhaps it’s because they’re so busy not being racist they miss massive illegal piss-ups.