Six nerd gateway drugs that ruined your life

YOU thought you could handle it. But one fateful day you got too nerdy and have been condemned to dweebhood ever since. Here’s how it all went wrong.


Unlike normal, healthy comics which focused on orphan ballerinas and the mass-murder of Germans, you got into 2000AD. Yes it was gory, yes it was funny, but it put you on the deviant path of Tharg, Judge Death, and Sam Slade, Robo-Hunter. The inevitable effects soon followed: spots, glasses and bad hair, none of which are ‘zarjaz’.

Being good at maths

One day you experienced the incredible rush of 100 per cent in a maths test. You became hooked on the buzz of solving quadratic equations. You lost your normal friends and ended up doing pure maths at uni. There were no women on your course and you didn’t even think that was a bad thing.

Doctor Who

Most kids watched it. But you started reading the novels, learning way too much about the planet Mondas, getting hooked on fanzines with Tegan on the cover. When it was cancelled you got your fix from audiobooks. Now you grimly watch Jodie and her ‘fam’ every Sunday, even though, like any addiction, you hate it and what it’s done to you.

The Hobbit 

The Hobbit led to Lord of the Rings which led to Dungeons & Dragons which led to Warhammer 40,000. Untreated, it can lead to full-blown LARPing in later life, with the addict running around woods outside Milton Keynes dressed as a rather unconvincing orc.


Not a sociable game of FIFA 22 like nowadays, but hardcore 80s home computing. This involved typing endless POKEs in to cheat, and you once spent 72 hours mining asteroids in Elite when your parents were away for the weekend and you could have had a party and got laid.


Today’s cinemagoers are unaware of the damaging effects of Dune on the adolescent brain. The ultimate nerd book, with ridiculous spellings like ‘Muad’Dib’, overblown, portentous dialogue and geeky appendices about the ecosystem of Arrakis. And of course several hefty sequels where the sex gets weird.

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The worst songs to include in a sex playlist

GETTING lucky? Need to set the mood? Don’t include these tracks if you don’t want your coitus interrupted: 

Tubular Bells, Part One by Mike Oldfield

Side one of Mike Oldfield’s instrumental classic is groundbreaking progressive rock without any distasteful or intrusive lyrics, but will bring your scheduled missionary sex to an early close because thoughts of The Exorcist are a real boner-killer. Even if you get past that, the track’s 25mins 30secs and you can only last 4mins 22secs.

Sex Bomb by Tom Jones and Mousse T

Any song with ‘sex’ in the title should work, right? No. Hearing Tom Jones croon lyrics like ‘this bomb’s for lovin’ and you can shoot it far’ will make you and your partner immediately halt intercourse, get dressed in shameful silence, then embark on a life of celibacy.

Beethoven’s Symphony No 9

This 1824 banger contains Ode To Joy, and the main dude from A Clockwork Orange got his rocks off to that in fast forward so it must be a musical aphrodisiac. The sexy bit doesn’t start until a good 40 minutes in though and there’s no way you’ve got the stamina.

High For This by The Weeknd

Undoubtedly made for f**king and sounds like it was made while f**king, so in theory a perfect choice. But as with all rappers contains much braggadocio and ego-tripping, and your own efforts will stutter to a halt because he’s doing it on crazy drugs in a Toronto penthouse and you’re doing it on Blossom Hill in a Kettering semi-detached.

The Birdie Song by The Tweets

The experts say laughter boosts your sex life, but don’t take that logic to the point of chucking on this 1981 novelty hit. Imagine if your partner actually got turned on by this and you had to listen to it every time you bumped uglies. Even furries would call that weird.

Anything your college band recorded

Seems like a clever way to show off your musical prowess to your lover, but then you’re trying to focus on foreplay while listening to a tinny recording of an angsty ballad you wrote about getting dumped. You’d be better off making out something arousing instead like the BBC shipping forecast or radio static.