Subscribe

Six other biopics that would be wise to end the story nice and early

THE Michael Jackson biopic made the lucrative decision to end his story in 1988, before it all went too badly wrong. Which others need to call it early? 

King of New York: The Puff Daddy Story

Ideally this one draws to a close in around 2001, when the mogul is on top with his record label making millions, his clothing line still growing, his legacy not yet defined by decades of serious sexual assaults, his name not yet changed to P Diddy. Audiences who prefer a nice sanitised story with no messy child abuse (Jackson) or AIDS (Mercury) will love it.

The Playboy Prince

Ah, the happy 1980s of Prince Andrew, shagging around while cheered on by the tabloids, flying helicopters for the Navy, marrying a racy redhead with a brothel-frequenting father. Back then he was a British hero, or so we were told. End it in 1990 and leave audiences wondering what became of this dashing figure. Tell them Googling will ruin it.

Spaceboy: The Life of David Bowie

Not because of any scandal, though there was an underage groupie because this was the 70s, but because everything after Let’s Dance is hard to defend. Nobody wants to see a biopic which includes Tin Machine. Fade to black after Modern Love with the caption ‘33 years later Bowie released Blackstar, which most critics agreed was alright’.

The Hedgehog: Being Ron Jeremy

Sadly a long and storied career in pornographic film was besmirched by multiple credible accusations of sexual assault, blackening the good name of one previously thought destined for sainthood. Ending things with 2013’s My Dad’s Best Friend 4 should iron out any bumps for mainstream audiences who want to celebrate, not condemn.

Shagger in Downing Street

Back in November 2021, Boris Johnson was the hero of Brexit, the Vaccine Vanquisher, happier than he’d ever been in love, a seventh or possibly eighth child on the way. Then came Partygate. As the audience for this biopic don’t believe that happened anyway, why not end it there with him on top and three more terms as PM to come?

Pip: The Philip Schofield Story

From the CBBC Broom Cupboard to the King of Daytime, a remarkable story of blandness, premature greying and media ubiquity. Who wouldn’t thrill to the recreation of Have I Been Here Before?, the 2005 show where David Seaman was regressed to a past life as Richard the Lionheart? Ends in 2020, before Schofield comes out and ruins everything.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

The trick is to go fast, says record-breaking marathon runner

THE man who completed a marathon in under two hours has revealed his secret was to run faster than other competitors so he got to the finish first. 

Sabastian Sawe, who made history by completing the London Marathon in one hour, 59 minutes and 30 seconds, credited his achievement to being faster, because he is a professional athlete.

He said: “Pacing yourself, staying hydrated, and having friend and family cheer you on? Not, it turns out, as important as putting one foot in front of the other repeatedly lots of times really quickly.

“It’s weird so many marathon runners leave this out. Instead it’s all about training, energy gels and plasters over your nipples, which aren’t nearly as effective as running faster over this distance than anyone else in recorded history.

“Other useful things to keep in mind if you want to smash the two-hour barrier like me are not stopping, and making sure that you’re running in the right direction. Oh, and check there’s actually a marathon on, otherwise you’re just a man in traffic.

“Having two legs, being young, and not being dead are all helpful as well. But I really can’t stress that it all comes down to going fast. Maybe write it down so you don’t forget.”

Marathon runner Tom Booker said: “I don’t know. I still reckon endlessly droning on about running a marathon to everyone in the office plays a crucial role.”

Next story ›