Why aren't presidential assassins trying to impress Jodie Foster any more?

AT 63, she is a respected actress, a Hollywood icon and an LGBT pioneer. But apparently all that means nothing to the disrespectful men trying to kill the president. 

Hopeful after hopeful fire their bullets, fail to kill the head of state and their manifesto is revealed. Again and again, they ramble about ‘a danger to democracy’ who ‘must be stopped’. But mention of a two-time Academy Award winner comes there none.

Back in the 1980s, in that halcyon period the Jackson biopic wisely chose to focus on, assassins had proper motives. They weren’t boringly political. They weren’t internet furries. They had their sights set not just on a president but on worthy life goals.

When John Hinckley Jr unloaded his revolver at Reagan in 1981, he did it for one reason: to impress Jodie Foster. He reasoned that it would put him at her level. You can’t fault his logic.

As it happened he wasn’t successful and the Bugsy Malone star therefore ignored his advances. Perhaps it even factored into her later turning toward lesbianism. That doesn’t mean that, for the right presidential assassin, she wouldn’t reconsider her sexuality.

But instead assassin after assassin takes their shot without even plighting their troth at the Silence of the Lambs actress. Ignoring her incredible performance in True Detective which revitalised the franchise. Heedless of her first French language role in Vie privée. 

It’s no wonder they fail. Hinckley at least wounded Reagan, because he was powered by love. Today’s assassins, fuelled by selfishness and political grievance, are lucky if they manage to nick Trump’s ear.

Let’s put this right. Assassins, if you’re reading this, at least check out her peerless filmography. From Taxi Driver to Contact to Hotel Artemis, there’s something for everyone. And with the proper motivation, anything is possible.

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Pub has Iron Maiden T-shirts on draft

YOUR local real ale pub now has six guest beers and heavy metal T-shirts at the bar, it has confirmed. 

The King’s Arms in Nantwich recognised a few years ago that it could be providing more for its clientele of bearded CAMRA members, and has made shirts available in all sizes from XL to XXXXL.

Landlord Bill McKay said: “Times are tough in the hospitality industry. Pubs are closing all the time. We realised that to stay competitive we needed to go the extra mile, like mopping the toilet floor or welcoming strangers.

“But since we weren’t prepared to do that, I got creative. And through careful market research of our regulars we noticed that basically all of them wear the same grotty T-shirt with a skeleton on it doing stuff.

“We already knew they didn’t wash, so what if they didn’t need to change their clothes? From there it was a simple matter of buying a few barrels wholesale and hooking up the line.

“We’ve got Powerslave, Senjutsu, and No Prayer For The Dying is especially popular right now. Get one on and get ten pints down you, and you’ll fit right in.”

Regular Olly O’Connor said: “I don’t have to go home now. Spill a 12.6 per cent ABV stout down me, and I just order a new one when Dave goes to the bar. Actually mate, could you get us a Discworld book while you’re there? They’re on tap.”