Subscribe

Six body-positive icons who dropped that shit once Ozempic came along

FAT, proud and a role model for those who through no fault of their own are larger? Until an injection came alone and now you’re inspiringly thin instead? 

Rebel Wilson

Currently suing everyone in Australia on behalf of everyone else, the insistent-on-her-own-fame actress has lost 70 pounds and her USP thanks to the drug. Head now looks too big. Stands ready to also sue anyone who points out her hypocrisy over the whole body-positive actress ‘Fat Amy’ thing.

Meghan Trainor

Presumably can no longer sing All About That Bass, which is a net positive for the world, or has to rework the lyrics to be about freshwater angling. Has chosen to frame her journey with bullshit about ‘a journey to be the healthiest, strongest version of myself’ so presumably was formerly ill, and weak.

Lizzo

Claims to have stopped using it after she realised she could just eat less, which raises questions about what dietary advice she was receiving previously. Was she in the grips of the only LA wellness guru who hails from Wigan and prescribes courses of pies? Still plays the flute but it’s not really the same, is it, when it’s not a fat lass.

Elon Musk

Once an inspiration to chunky men everywhere, has now viciously turned on them as he does anyone who dares love him. Evidenced by calling Tesla buyers ‘sickly green twats’, Mars a ‘teasing frigid bitch’ and Donald Trump ‘the one that got away. I still love him, but he’s different now.’

Amy Schumer

Comedian who parlayed being larger than most actresses and having a vagina into movie stardom and a comedy career. Now isn’t larger than most actresses and presumably her vagina is worried it will be next. Head looks too big. Is fine for you to carry on being body positive if you want to / can’t afford Mounjaro.

Mr Blobby

A shell of his former self, the yellow-spotted 90s star now lives in rented accommodation in Hastings and can be seen in local nightclubs desperately trying to convince girls it’s him. Still does ‘Blobby, blobby’ but it seems mocking and cruel now. Head looks too big.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

The six traumas of living in an all-female household

ARE you the only man in a house ruled by your wife and your daughters? Are you humiliated daily by a domestic matriarchy? This is the catalogue of your shame: 

Televisual

The days of Dad entering the room, commandeering the remote and putting Middlesbrough-Watford on are gone. Unfathomably, no-one else in the household cares who’ll reach the play-off. Instead everyone’s binging the classic 2019 Love Island with Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury, and you can watch the game on your phone if you like.

Receiving deliveries

Nobody else can hear the knocks at the door, so it’s your job to collect eight Evri boxes from Vinted, Depop and Boohoo each day. Never dare question if Lucy really needs a 15th pair of jeans or how much this bloody face cream costs will unite the whole family against you. Meanwhile all your hip-hop 12-inches have been moved to the garage.

Bathroom access

To get 90 seconds in the bathroom to urinate, brush your teeth, wash your face and leave still wet requires hours of alertness and bargaining while women work in shifts to stop you. Make-up application, eye and night cream application, brushing hair, facemasks, plucking, steaming, and defecation all must take place. You shower at 5.45am or not at all.

Continual bitching

There are so many people you’ve never met you’re meant to hate. Sarah at hot yoga is a cow. Holly at college is a spiteful slag. The Spanish teacher is a fat whore. And somehow you’re meant to be interested, and remember them, and you’re castigated when you don’t. Then you call your mother and hear about everyone she hates that you don’t know.

Being disgusting

When you fart, burp, eat, scratch, yawn, sneeze, sweat or swear you’re disgusting. ‘Dad stinks’ is a frequently heard phrase. And the thing is, they’re sort of right: they are all lovely and fragrant and cleansed and you are the one drunk watching Trailer Park Boys in your underpants.

Synchronised periods

One week in four, it gets even worse. During that week, even if you became silent, incorporeal and invisible, you’d still get on every member of your household’s tits. This is why man invented the shed and hid beer in there.

Next story ›