Saturday, 17th April 2021

Six reasons why we must never 'find the new Oasis'

PEOPLE have complained that the 20-something generation has failed to produce an Oasis-style Britpop sensation. Here’s why that’s the last thing the world needs.

Encouraging twats to have ‘attitude’

Oasis excelled at meaningless rock star posturing. Who was Liam flicking the Vs at all the time, exactly? The new Oasis would have to do the same, swear a lot and have a deeply tedious rivalry with another band.

More Union Jack backdrops

Oasis were all about flying the British flag ironically. Okay, maybe half-ironically. Who knows what it meant? Everyone’s probably had enough of nonsense about flags at the moment, though.

Noel Gallagher would be saying they were a rip-off

Self-confessed Beatles obsessive Noel would immediately lay into Oasis 2 for being shite compared to Oasis 1. And he’d be right, especially if their songs became increasingly samey and the lyrics were vague rock anthem babble.

A new wave of Britpop hype

Someone would probably call it ‘Britpop 2.0’ or something equally cringey. Every magazine cover would feature the new Oasis looking trying to look deep, and we’d all be treated to Oasis 2 meeting Boris and Carrie. 

Who’d want to be nostalgic about the early 2020s?

One of Oasis’s functions is to whisk us back to the alleged euphoria of the mid-90s. But who’d want a group that, years later, reminds us of being stuck in a room with a malfunctioning Zoom connection?

They’d be shit

This is important to remember. If Oasis were a tepid dilution of The Beatles, then the new Oasis would be a stone-cold homeopathic dose of bugger all.