Six shows that were toss but had great theme tunes

THE cream of television captivates audiences with good plots and characters. Or there’s these, which were total shite apart from their theme tunes:

Round the Twist

Anyone who grew up in the Nineties will lose their shit if you mention this show and start singing ‘Have you ever, ever felt like this’ at the top of their lungs. But when pressed for further details about why it was good they will trail off and shrug because there was nothing else notable about it.

Why Don’t You

The nasal warblings of this children’s show theme was the equivalent of Subterranean Homesick Blues for generations of kids growing up in the 70s. Although in retrospect a theme tune which tells viewers to switch off their TV sets and do something less boring instead is too ironic to be truly vintage.

Are You Being Served?

This department store sitcom featured an innovative theme tune that sampled the clinking, ringing sounds of a cash register a year before Pink Floyd tried something similar in Money. Unfortunately, the show itself relied on tortuous double entendres about Mrs Slocombe’s pussy for humour, which is why nobody except your problematic uncle chooses to remember it fondly.

Sharky & George

This finger-snapping theme tune for a cartoon about two private detective fish solving crimes in Seacago is seared into the deepest recesses of your memory because it’s just so damned catchy. But the show has never been made available on streaming platforms, speaking volumes about the dire quality of the actual content.


Gerry Anderson sci-fi series UFO lured viewers in with a funky, jazzy theme tune playing over clips of a futuristic defence agency that used space-age technology like reel-to-reel tape recorders and typewriters. Then it decked out female Moonbase personnel in purple wigs and skimpy silver uniforms to prevent you from turning over. And it worked, because you’re pathetic.

BBC Cricket

The title track from Soul Limbo’s seventh studio album is an upbeat steel drum number that will always get you up on your feet and dancing. So it’s all the more odd that the song is also the theme for the BBC’s cricket coverage, a programme so punishingly dull the tune is ruined forever by association.

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'I have no son': What to do when your 13-year-old gets into Warhammer

WHEN your son announces that he would like to go to the Warhammer shop, your first instinct is to disown him. And that’s correct. Follow it with these: 

Terrify him

The Warhammer lifestyle might seem glamorous to a child, but you know where it leads. Scare him straight by showing him videos of 40-year-old men playing with meticulously painted Chaos Knights, men who have never known love or joy. Leave him in no doubt of the tragedy he will become.

Show him the cost

Not the cost to his corroded mind, body and spirit when he is drawn into this dark netherworld, but the actual f**king cash price. £25 for a book of rules? £40 for a couple of robot battlesuits? These nerds are taking the piss.

Ban him

The engine driving Warhammer’s success is their social scene: the fact that any loser, freak or sick monster can spend all Saturday in the shop, soaking in the bitter brine of geekdom until all other social options fall away. Tell the staff your son’s a shoplifter and get his photo behind the counter.

Persuade him

There must be carrot as well as stick, so spend Saturdays showing your son wholesome, manly hobbies, like having a Marvel Cinematic Universe marathon, building a Lego AT-AT together or playing videogames all day, like normal people.

Tell him a sobering story about your own youth

Kids think parents just don’t get it. Admit to him that you experimented with Advanced Dungeons & Dragons when you were 13 and you know how seductive it can be, but that was before they developed the Warhammer 40,000 strain which does untold damage to developing adolescent male brains.

Give up

Let him fill his room with tiny spiky army men called Adaptus Militarum or Necrons. Let him ruin his eyesight painting them. For most boys it’s just a phase and once it’s out of their systems they can go on to something more wholesome, like underage drinking and experimenting with their sexuality. You can only hope.