ROCK and pop music should be the preserve of angry, attractive young things. Here are six coffin-dodging has-beens who’ve long outstayed their welcome.
Rightly acknowledged as a legend for his past glories, but now he should be consigned to a retirement home where he can bore fellow residents to death – literally. That Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award in 2014 was a hint to call it a day he chose to ignore.
Another old dog who won’t make a metaphorical final trip to the vet’s. Somehow touring again, with otherwise normal people spaffing a fortune to hear his handful of hardy jukebox perennials. Then again, we live in a country which voted for the most farcical charlatan in history as prime minister, so nothing surprises anymore. Has a sideline pestering his local council over potholes, which at least is age-appropriate.
Some classic hits, but her career was also shamelessly based on wankathon fantasies such as the Like A Virgin video. Sadly that’s literally a lifetime ago if you’re 38, and trying to disguise various body parts heading south with ever racier underwear is a bad idea. Not to mention the tooth grillz. Even rappers look shit in those, and Lil Wayne doesn’t wear them with a corset and thong, thank f**k.
Defied the odds by overcoming being born ginger and making millions from bland wine bar music. But that kind of lucky streak can’t go on forever. Now more like your mad uncle who lives in a caravan, he’ll eke it out for a good few years yet with compilations released at Christmas, just in case there are people out there who haven’t heard Holding Back the Years a billion sodding times yet.
Bruce rightly realised he’s reached an age where the long hair had to go. The only problem is that blathering on about ancient mariners and slaughtering daughters just looks silly when you’re 63 with a barnet like a bank manager. Time to leave the tight leather trousers at the back of the wardrobe, because you’re not exactly worrying about your pension contributions when you own a bloody plane.
Too young to class as ancient in his 50s? Possibly. Washed-up and out of ideas? Definitely. Has now revealed he needs a hip replacement, but is refusing surgery due to being too f**king delusional to realise age has caught up with him like it does with everyone else. Also… a hip replacement? It’s like Hendrix using a mobility scooter. Well, not Hendrix, he was really talented.