THE festive season is upon us, and carollers around the country are warming up to shout weird shit. What the f**k are these classics about?
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Ladies, you’ve got Girls Just Want To Have Fun and that Shania Twain one for your nights out. This one’s for the blokes of the 17th century. Never mind that it’s in a terrifying minor key and it’s the only carol that features Satan, just focus on the tidings of comfort and joy, yeah?
We Three Kings of Orient Are
Finally, a carol where you get to use syntax like Yoda. And then you reach the verses about gifts, explaining cheerfully that myrrh is to represent ‘sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying’. Normal new baby things that were definitely on Mary’s Pinterest mood board.
Ding Dong Merrily On High
Imitating a doorbell is a great and not batshit way to start any song. The real issue is the multiple instances of verb forms that simply don’t exist. ‘Let steeple bells be swungen’? Absolutely not.
I Saw Three Ships
First, shut the f**k up about some ships. Second, apparently they were crewed by our Saviour Christ and his hitherto unmentioned lady? Do you realise how badly this buggers up New Testament continuity?
Good King Wenceslas
Look, however great a monarch Wenceslas was, and however mad fun it is to say the word ‘cruel’ with two syllables, there’s no reason he should get his own song at Christmas. Carols should be about Jesus or, you know, his disciples and prophets and shit. Why are we even talking about one king’s overdue change of heart?
The Little Drummer Boy
Here’s where we all pretend to be a little boy who had the nerve to go visit a newborn with a loud musical instrument. There’s no way we should be celebrating how much he fucked up Mary’s sleep training. That pa-rum-pum-pumming prick should be on a list, not in a song.