Sky To Broadcast In Three Dimensions Of Awfulness

SKY is to add an extra dimension of awfulness to its television output with the launch of 3D TV, it announced last night.

From next April the satellite broadcaster will transmit its most popular shows in high definition 3D, including Kirsty Gallagher's Friday Night Piss Factor, America's Fattest Retards and High Street Honey Hostage Hell.

If successful Sky said it would rapidly roll out the new technology to other favourites including Crime Scene, Navy Crime, Ross Kemp's Big Hard Boys and CSI: Shut That Door!

Viewer Bill McKay said he was looking forward to paying £2500 for a 3D television set that, when he is not wearing the special cardboard glasses, will just look like it's broken.

He  added: "As a CSI fan the key thing that has been missing from my viewing experience is the sight of a mutilated corpse in the middle of my living room.

"However, it does occur to me that as the technology gets ever more sophisticated, the programmes become ever more appalling. I wonder if the two are in any way connected?"

Meanwhile, health experts are warning of the dangers of watching pornography in 3D, predicting a sharp increase in genital injuries as millions of drunken perverts attempt to join in.

Dr Julian Cook said: "So there's Jemma Jameson on all fours, staring straight at you, as some nameless stud goes at her from behind.

"And now you're thinking, 'I may as well join in the fun' but do remember that if someone walks into the room and they're not wearing the special glasses all they're going to see is your fat buttocks thrusting vigorously into thin air."

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Fat Saudis To Make Everything More Expensive

A SAUDI prince with 14 Rolls Royces and a boat the size of a hospital last night decided to put you out of work because he doesn't have enough money.

Prince Al-Faisal Bin Salaam and his fellow OPEC members agreed to cut production and increase the price of oil after realising their lobsters needed more jewellery.

The oil producers admitted the price rise could push vulnerable British employers into administration, but insisted you would do exactly the same if you had their kind of money.

A Saudi spokesman said: "One minute you're picking up your new Rolls Royce and thinking life is good, and the next you're pulling up at the traffic lights alongside your neighbour who is being carried about on a crystal throne by the Harlem Globetrotters. It's incredibly embarrassing."

Economist Dr Stephen Malley said: "Oil is the world's basic raw ingredient and influences the price of absolutely everything else in the marketplace. So when we're in a recession and everyone's a bit skint it is generally helpful if you can keep the price as low as possible. 

"Unfortunately in this case we did not foresee a devastating shortage of lobster jewellery across the Arabian peninsula, thereby requiring a 30% increase in the price of a barrel of crude. And you wonder why we don't really get along?"

Prince Al-Faisal said last night: "Try the foie gras, it's heaven from a goose."