Jaguar To Keep Making Cars No-One Can Afford

THE government is lining up a multi-billion pound bail-out for Jaguar so it can keep making absurdly expensive cars that do 12 yards to the gallon.

Business secretary Peter Mandelson said it was vital Britain retained the skills and technology to produce pointless vehicles that cost more than the average salary to insure.

The Indian-owned company makes the pathetic Jaguar range of luxury cars, as well as the ludicrous Range Rover Sport, favoured by drug barons, footballers and the women that feed off them.

But Mr Mandelson stressed the government could not simply write a blank cheque for businesses that did not employ large numbers of Labour voters in key marginal seats.

He said: "There is also a huge chain of companies that rely on Jaguar's success. When one of these cars is actually sold, it then has to repaired at least six times a year. And of course you do have to replace all the bits that keep falling off.

"And then there's the billions that will be spent on road repairs, flood defences and treating the millions of British children who will develop chronic asthma thanks to the gigantic amounts of filth spewed out per kilometre by the Range Rover's magnificent V8."

He added: "Experts say the cars of the future will be bigger, uglier, thirstier and more expensive than anything you can possibly imagine. It is therefore right that we keep paying the working class people of Halewood and Solihull to churn out these things even if we end up throwing them into the sea."

Meanwhile the Indian government said last night that it was unable to bail out the car company because it had just spent its last £10 billion on another mission to the moon.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Scientists Break Planet

SCIENTISTS who accidentally drilled into a magma chamber under a volcano in Hawaii have broken the planet, it was confirmed last night.

The experts drilled an exploratory well 2.5 km into the earth's crust through the basalt lava fields of the Kilauea Volcano on the east of Hawaii's Big Island, though Christ only knows why.

By breaching the magma chamber the scientists punctured the earth and unleashed billions of tonnes of unstoppable molten rock, which you think someone might have thought about beforehand.

Seismic data and lava flow rates examined by a committee of Nobel Laureates suggest the planet will now slowly deflate over the next six months like a burst football as everyone is boiled in their shoes.

Professor Julian Cook, a magma specialist at Reading University, said: "Oh God, no. Christ on a bike and sweet baby Jesus."

He added: "Oh Christ almighty. No, no, no, no. Please baby Jesus, no."

Last night the UN Magma Emergency Committee (UNMEC) was convened on board the International Space Station comprising of Chelsea owner Roman Abramovitch, Peter Mandelson, choreographer Arlene Phillips, PR guru Max Clifford and Jamie Oliver.

Oliver said: "People of earth, face your certain extinction with dignity and remember: heroes die, but they are remembered – for a while; cities fall, but they are rebuilt – although not in this case obviously.

"We will now hand you over to Morgan Freeman who will comfort you by slowly reading out the ingredients for his grandmother's recipe for chocolate chip cookies."