Sound problems at Grammys caused by poor quality of music

GRAMMY Awards organisers have apologised for sound issues that were caused by the music not being very good.

Viewers complained after performances by Adele, Justin Bieber and Pitbull during which something seemed to be fundamentally wrong.

A Grammys spokesman said: “We apologise to anyone watching at home who experienced unexpected levels of mediocrity.

“We strive to bring your the very best performances but obviously we have to balance that with the economic needs of vast entertainment corporations.

“Their relentless pursuit of the lowest common denominator can result in a cold, machine-like kind of song that is not especially fun or pleasing, especially when performed live.”

Taylor Swift received the Best Album award for 1989, a musical sequel to George Orwell’s novel 1984 about a factory worker living under a totalitarian regime who is imprisoned for having a sleepover with her BFF.

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Bathroom cupboard full of non-essential oils

A WOMAN’S bathroom cabinet is brimful of distilled, cleansing, pointless lotions.

Emma Bradford, a paralegal from Durham, has accumulated a vast range of tiny scented liquids, which she regularly uses in undetectable quantities.

She said: “This one’s organic jasmine, this one’s concentrate of lavender, and this one’s something called wildcrafted niaouli essence.

“I put some in an incense burner, because setting fire to things relaxes me and I enjoy the visual metaphor of where my money’s going.

“Sometimes I pour it in the bath. Then I cover it up with the £25 body scrub with bits of sand in it, which hurts a bit so it must be good for me. And then I wash that off with a £35 shower gel made from expensive lemons.

“Then I cry for a few minutes and then I use a £45 face cream that will give me the skin of an 18-year old, by bringing back my acne. Anyway, I buy my cheese at the same time, so they all smell faintly of stilton.”

Bradfield’s partner, Tom Logan, said: “I use the same thing to wash my hair, face, beard and armpits. It costs ninety pence a litre and it smells of energy. It’s great being a man.”