Church denies Pope had normal human feelings

CATHOLIC church officials have denied that Pope John Paul II would have done anything normal and healthy like fancying a woman.

Letters by the former Pope reveal a close relationship with a female philosopher, triggering concerns that he may have had the kind of feelings a man could reasonably experience if he had never had a shag.

Cardinal Tom Booker said: “Under no circumstances would John Paul II, who has spent his whole life denying the urges that are part of a human’s genetic programming, have experienced conflicted emotions around an attractive woman who he really liked.

“The Pope could not fancy people. That would be way too normal for us men of the cloth who are into celibacy, even though God mysteriously created us with incredibly strong compulsions to the contrary.”

John Paul II’s letters to Anna-Teresa Tymieniecka reveal that when they met he sometimes felt he had an animated devil on one shoulder and an angel on of the other, like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

He wrote: “The little devil talks in the gravelly voice of a working class New Yorker, saying things like ‘Holy smoke, that’s a helluva fine broad’ and tearing up a scrolls marked ‘Pope Vows’. The angel talks in a pious voice, saying things about God’s love being all I need.

“Sometimes I think the angel is a bit of an arse.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Craig ‘will stay if Bond is more up himself’

ACTOR Daniel Craig will stay on as James Bond if the fictional spy is made more self-important, he has announced.

He said: “The new Bond would spend a large part of the films moaning on about relatively trivial problems like having the wrong dishwasher delivered.

“Instead of talking in pithy one-liners he’d be a massive drama queen about it and say things like ‘I’d rather drink boiling acid than deal with Amazon customer service again!’

“He’d also have a penchant for pseudo-profound philosophising. If he’s just battered someone to death he’ll say ‘Violence is a very ugly mirror to look into’ or something like that.

“My Bond knows that saving the world from scarred maniacs with super-weapons is a cliche. He grudgingly agrees to step in because the money’s excellent but not before having a massive moan so that everyone knows such mind-numbing work is beneath him.

“Being a spy is basically manual labour.”

Craig is now writing his own Bond script, which consists of a two-hour monologue in which 007 wrestles with his psychological demons before having a brief fight on top of a plane.