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Star Wars, and other franchises it's hard to believe you ever loved

CERTAIN fictional universes have been so polluted with mediocre new content you’re wondering what you ever saw in them. Such as these:

Star Wars

A long time ago, Star Wars was the gold standard of pop culture perfection. Even the Ewoks and the holiday special couldn’t dent your love for it. The prequels were dogshit, but that’s still a 50 per cent hit rate. Now, after years of terrible sequels, a cash-grab theme park, The Book of Boba Fett and worse, you’re left wondering if the original trilogy was actually any good or you were just seven when you watched it.

Doctor Who

Doctor Who has always been wildly inconsistent, but you were willing to sit through The Twin Dilemma because the next Genesis of the Daleks could be on next week. But after the Chibnall era and the botched Disney partnership, you’re starting to doubt whether it’ll ever hit the heights of Blink again. You can believe that Lux was on a par if you like, but you’d just be lying to yourself. Your extremely nerdy self.

Harry Potter

The sight of grown adults still proclaiming to be Hufflepuffs or posing with the trolley at King’s Cross station makes you wince now, but that was you not so long ago. What changed? Were you put off by Rowling’s transphobic beliefs, or did you realise that the books were needlessly bloated runarounds with poor worldbuilding? Either way, you still need to get your Deathly Hallows tattoo removed.

The Simpsons

Sitting through a new episode will make you wonder how The Simpsons is still being churned out. Then you remember that in its prime it was the funniest thing you’d ever seen and was a formative part of your personality. That high standard of writing is long gone, but due to its still profitable heyday it’ll be forced to limp on forever. A grim lesson to us all to never peak early.

The Lord of the Rings

You still adore the films, and you’d rewatch them if you ever somehow have 15 hours to kill. The new Amazon spin-off and the upcoming Gollum movie make you feel nothing though. Which is peculiar, shouldn’t you be excited to see them? Then you remember that The Hobbit films killed your enthusiasm for Middle Earth and even dinged your excitement for life itself. Seeing another Tolkien adaptation might push you over the edge.

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15 idiotic things I believe about Britain from going on the internet. By Elon Musk

YES, I’ve been sticking my oar in again, but that’s fine because I’m an expert on Britain from surfing the internet while high. Here’s what I’ve learned.

You love Keir Starmer

I don’t get why you all love Starmer, who wants to replace you with Muslims. But the British public think he’s totally excellent and keep voting for him? Unbelievable.

Your army still uses horses

I keep seeing pictures of your army guys on f**king horses! Buy some goddam Humvees! Or better still, Cybertrucks. Soldiers in military vehicles are always burning to death anyway. 

Rupert Lowe is a hero

I fell out with Farage so I now believe Restore’s Rupert Lowe is the true British patriot you need. I could actually do some research and discover he’s an irrelevant old Tory asshole obsessed with race, but my ketamine-addled brain wants to wank over AI girlfriends now.

‘Pants’ means something different to you

In America ‘pants’ means trousers, but in Britain it means a type of tropical beetle. Thanks, Grok.

Your favourite food is fish and shits

Weird, and kind of disgusting. Did I fact-check this? No, I was dual-screening while pretending to be the world’s top Fortnite player like the tragically sad bastard I am.

All your cities are under Sharia law

London, Reading, Exeter – I’m on Google Maps now – Southampton, Eastbourne… all your major cities now have Sharia law. Why don’t you take back control? Apart from anything else, don’t you miss eating pork?

Britain invented the Swiss Army Knife

Gotta hand it to you, these are great little tools. Do I ever stop to wonder if some of the stuff I’m saying sounds like it might not be true? No. Why start now?

You are facing a civil war

Which will be wokeists and Muslims on one side, and indigenous white Brexiters on the other. You’ve all undoubtedly pledged loyalty to one side or the other and have stockpiled weapons ready to kill your friends and neighbours. 

You are ridiculously polite

It’s everywhere on the internet that the British are way too polite. If someone treads on your foot, you apologise to THEM! I’m sure that wasn’t just a joke, and you probably do the same if someone stabs you, which happens all the time in Britain. 

Britain disappears under the sea every 100 years

Actually I might have hallucinated this during a heavy microdosing session. Which would also explain all the jars of spunk labelled ‘Taylor’.

JK Rowling is being kept prisoner in a castle

I’m furious that you’re keeping Joanna locked up in one of your castles for her views on transgender. Set her free! It’s not right that she’s totally unable to share her opinions with the world!

You are obsessed with tea

Everything stops for tea in Britain, but I don’t agree with it. If you’re a policeman chasing a thief or a surgeon in the middle of an operation, stopping for a tea break just sounds retarded to me.

You welcome my interventions 

Because non-woke speech is illegal in Britain, you like it when I speak truth to your leaders. You definitely don’t think I’m a f**king annoying dweeb who got lucky with one software idea then became a massive wanker you wish would just f**k off.

You drink warm beer

I was sceptical about this, because it’s obvious beer tastes better cool. But if Asterix in Britain isn’t a reliable source, I don’t know what is.

Paddington is gay

Yeah. Paddington is gay! No, I’m just f**king with you. Psych! It’s another of my hilarious jokes. Paddington’s gay! Is there anything funnier than that? Hahahahahaha. Shit, I think my brains are coming out of my nose.

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