WHEN events such as divorce, redundancy and disastrous tweakments befall other people it’s natural to be excited. Here’s how to yap about it without sounding too pleased.
Choose your audience
Personal problems should be handled with sensitivity, so make sure you only tell people who are as desperate as you for all the gory details and therefore won’t notice your glee as much. It could be a mutual friend, family member, or, with the juiciest bad news, the whole of a train carriage while you’re telling your partner over the phone.
Talk about something else first
Barrelling in with news of misfortune is tempting, but could make you look too enthusiastic, bordering on callous. Ideally, open a conversation with harmless chat about something unrelated like holiday plans or the big woodlouse you spotted in your bathroom this morning. Then you can launch into The Big News without looking like a bastard.
Give the impression this is hard to say
You can also faff around a bit before you deliver the news to build anticipation. Say things like ‘I don’t know how to say this…’ or ‘I’m not sure I should be telling you this…’. Your gossip-based edging will have the audience desperate for joyful relief.
Express your own deep shock
While discussing the delicious trauma of someone else, establish that you were knocked sideways by the news. Emphasise how shocked/appalled/saddened (delete as inapplicable) you were to hear about this absolute banger of a bombshell involving an affair or holiday disaster. This will make you seem like a decent human being capable of empathy. Which of course you are; empathy makes the whole tale of woe more gripping.
Check that people want to hear the details
Of course they want to know every grimy, tragic detail of the gossip, but if you ask people if they ‘really want to hear this’ that makes them the sick one for ghoulishly wanting to know.
Stop to breathe between sentences
If the news is as thrilling as a perfect couple splitting up or a friend’s teen being arrested for arson, it can be hard to take a breath. Try not to garble your words, shriek with excitement, or talk so fast your body enters a state of anaerobic respiration. Calmness will convey that you are merely a reluctant vessel for this news, rather than its greatest cheerleader.
Ask people to keep it quiet
Discretion is expected in sensitive matters like these. When asking people not to spread the news further, try channeling the air of a diplomat handling a delicate political issue, or simply imagine you aren’t a horrible gossip. In truth it doesn’t matter, because you both know the listener will soon be revelling in someone’s husband turning out to be a regular at gay clubs in exactly the same way you are.
