Stewart Lee-Michael McIntyre feud referred up to Jethro

JETHRO, the commander in chief of the comedians, will decide later today who may live out of Stewart Lee and Michael McIntyre.

The intensifying row between the two comics has prompted a rare intervention from the Cornish wit, who is revered by his peers as a living god.

Jethro’s status as High Clown of the Grand Order of Gelos –  the secretive comedians’ sect named after the Greek god of laughter – confers upon him the power to judge any humorist’s right to exist.

A source said: “Jethro believes this divisive rift between sour-faced meta-jokesmith Lee and McIntyre, who favours energetic descriptions of online shopping and hot drinks, could have triggered a bloody war between the exponents of popular and unpopular comedy.

“Hence both comics have been summoned to perform ‘tight 20 minute sets’ before Jethro, who will be seated on an ornate throne flanked by golden serpents.

“Whichever comedian elicits the least belly laughs from the rustic arbiter of mirth will be put to death in an amusing but lethal slapstick ceremony involving ladders, buckets and a very heavy piano suspended by an insubstantial piece of rope.”

He added: “Personally I believe Lee’s pedantic deconstructionist approach, coupled with a penchant for deliberate repetition and obvious disdain for his audience places him at a substantial disadvantage to McIntyre’s more traditional ‘antics’.”

Jethro, whose 1998 gig at Frome Town Hall during his Behind The Bushes tour is the single funniest event in history, replaced Mike Reid as High Clown in 2006.

Grandmother Emma Bradford, who was at the legendary Frome event, said: “I’m not good at remembering jokes but there was one about a pasty and another one about a doctor’s waiting room involving a chicken.

“Sweet Christ it was so funny. I can’t even tell you.”


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Oh go on, just resign, Guardian tells Cameron

THE Guardian last night told David Cameron that they really thought he would have resigned by now.

As the phone scandal thing was declared boring again, editor Alan Rusbridger said many of his journalists had been working up to six hours a day and the prime minister’s refusal to stand down was now actually quite rude.

He added: “But we’ve written all this stuff. Come ooooooon.

“What if, right, you resign – and maybe say you’d have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that pesky Guardian – and then I say that you’ve done the honourable thing and that you’re actually a really nice person?

“Oh stop being a dick.”

Labour ‘leader’, Ed Miliband, added: “I’ve done like 27 interviews and made a big speech in parliament, which, for someone like me, is really nerve-wracking. All my friends said he would have resigned by now and then I’d get to be prime minister for a bit. I’m very upset.”

Downing Street apologised to the Guardian and the Labour Party and said they understood their frustration but stressed there is not much they can do as long as polls continue to suggest that real humans could not give a tuppeny fuck.

Meanwhile the scandal has also reached the crucial point where everyone is just saying any old shit  on the basis that some child-brained Guardian reader will believe them.

Nick Raynsford, a man there is absolutely no reason you should have heard of, said a civil servant who fell out with his boss thought someone had gone though his bins and therefore it must have been ordered by Andy Coulson.

He was backed by security expert Tom Logan, who added: “The way the rubbish was spread around the pavement means that Mr Coulson had clearly ordered a crack team from MI7 to raid this man’s dustbin. Unless it was a fox.

“Or a seagull.”

Julian Cook, professor of privacy invasion at Roehampton University, said: “Strangely enough Nick Raynsford was a local government minister when Labour gave councils the power to rake through your bins ‘to make sure you were recycling properly’.”

Alan Rusbridger added: “Andy Coulson shot my grandmother with a harpoon.

“Why won’t the prime minister resign?”

Phone scandal thingy round-up: Day 14,0010

David Cameron obviously spent most of 2010 talking to a Murdoch about BSkyB.

Murdoch’s Fox News had a ‘black ops’ department where mental patients would be forced to write all the news bulletins.

It emerged the police have widened their investigation to include other newspapers, meaning the issue is now suddenly less important than Amanda Holden’s new lip gloss.