THE Rolling Stones will add nothing to the Glastonbury Festival because the two things are basically the same, experts have confirmed.
The ageing rockers were unveiled as one of this year’s headline acts, giving the event a much not-needed injection of faux rebelliousness and rampant commercialism.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “They are both emaciated, excessively grandiose versions of their former selves that mainly appeal to people who wear bum bags.
“The Stones and the festival also share a philosophy, that everyone should stick it to ‘the man’ by giving them several hundred pounds and staying out of the enclosure reserved for footballers and ageing catwalk models.
“The reason the Stones haven’t played Glastonbury until now is because there was absolutely no need.
“Since the late 1990s Glastonbury has been like a Rolling Stones concert that lasts for three days.”
Brubaker added: “Maybe this is Glastonbury perfected.”