Stop telling me my favourite albums are 20 years old, says middle-aged man

A MIDDLE-AGED man has asked his favourite bands and music sites to shut the fuck up about all the albums he loved being 20 years old. 

Tom Booker, aged 42, agrees that the 20th anniversary of the release of OK Computer, Songs From Northern Britain and Wu-Tang Forever would be an ideal time to reassess them if it did not make him feel so fucking old.

He continued: “You know what I see when a headline says ‘Urban Hymns Turns 20′? I see ‘Your Carefree Youth Turns 20 And Will Never, Ever Come Back’.

The Fat Of The Land is 20 this year? Great, that means my memories of losing my shit on E to Firestarter in the Glastonbury mud are now only of interest to historians documenting our lost rave past.

“I’ve stopped going to see them when they reform to play classic albums in full, either. Not because they’re shit. Because they all look so horribly old.”

Booker added: “I’ve tried to get into some of these acts they have now, so I can avoid being reminded of my own mortality. But they’re all so fucking awful.”


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Woman who has totally run out of career options to become a life coach

A WOMAN has become a life coach after exhausting all other job options.

Emma Bradford, 38, has tried many careers but nothing really worked out, and she got sacked from her last job for stealing printer paper.

She said: “I’m going to become a life coach because fuck knows what else I can do. I’ve had eight jobs in the last three years, including painting and decorating, office admin and running a cheese website.

“Life coaching is basically telling people to get their shit together, which I have experience at because my family has always told me to get my shit together.

“I’ve got some cards printed up and I’ve bought a book called Transformational Techniques, so I can tell people stuff out of that.

“Giving them ‘tools’ for ’empowerment’, which I think means just nodding a bit while they bang on about their problems.

“I’ll have to get an office though because my flat smells of wet dogs and there are lots of ‘final payment demand’ letters lying around.”